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Title: Rose Colored Glasses
Author: Clay
Pairing: Ryan/Colin
Rating: R
Summary: Vacations should be a time for relaxation, a chance to escape the real world and just have fun, but Colin is quickly coming to find that there’s no escaping fate.
Author’s Notes: These are completely random notes that I just feel like mentioning. They’re not important in the slightest. I’m pretty sure this story takes place around 2008, though where I’m getting that I have no idea. It might just be the time line I made up in my head. So, yeah, the kids would be too old to play the way Colin imagines them playing, but it’s his fantasy, so I suppose that’s okay.
After another moment of awkwardness, the conversation picked up again, this time venturing to safer topics. Mostly they discussed work and the upcoming tour, the “Ryan’s House” tour as Colin liked to call it. These days, it was usually the only time of year he saw his friend, but all of that would soon change.
“When you’re not on tour with Brad,” Ryan commented, not looking at Colin; they had yet to properly look at each other since Ryan made the decision to stay, “you could join me at the club in Bellingham. If you want to, of course.”
Colin nodded.
“It’s small, but... it’s nice. I think you’d like it.”
“Of course I will,” Colin replied. He allowed a ghost of a smile to cross his lips. “You’ll be there.”
Suddenly Ryan laughed. For the first time in almost half an hour he looked to Colin, smiling, though it didn’t quite touch his eyes. “You’re going to get sick of me.”
Colin smiled right back. “I could never.”
Ryan just shook his head and looked back to the sky. “We’ll see how you feel in a few months.”
“Yes,” Colin said, “we will.” And though the subject of conversation was quite somber, neither man could bring himself to feel anything less than overjoyed at the prospect.
“I’m going to show up at your house at all hours,” Ryan said. “Drag you out on stupid adventures at three in the morning. You’ll end up posting guard dogs to keep me away.”
“I’ll probably give you a key,” Colin countered.
He considered Ryan’s words, imagining Ryan pulling him from sleep at some ungodly hour, dragging him to a 24 hour grocers for something silly like jelly beans or water balloons or perhaps rousing him for an adventure, a romp through the woods in the black of night, searching for a rock or a tree that had significance to only Ryan that he just had to show Colin right now.
The smile slipped from Colin’s lips. “Pat won’t like that.”
Ryan shrugged. “She’ll deal.”
“I hate her.”
Colin didn’t know how he had expected Ryan to react to that. Surprise, perhaps, or maybe anger, but certainly not with the soft sight of acknowledgment that left him, hovering on a breath.
“I know.”
“Are you mad at me?”
Ryan considered that. “No.”
“Disappointed?”
“Maybe I was back when you first met her,” Ryan said with a chuckle, “but you’ve felt like that for so long that now I just accept it.” He paused for a moment, still smiling. “I wonder why I never hated Deb.”
Colin frowned. “You introduced us.”
“Yes, but... only because I already had Pat. I think I did it on purpose,” he mused. “Making sure you were taken so I wouldn’t have to wonder anymore. And she was good for you,” Ryan said, looking back to Colin. “She was good enough for you. I thought she could take my place.”
“That was silly.”
Ryan grinned cheekily. “It worked, didn’t it?”
“Until now.”
“Until now,” Ryan echoed, smiling gently. He sighed and checked his watch. Colin could see the little lights telling them it was half past midnight.
“I really should get back,” Ryan said. He wouldn’t look at Colin.
And this time Colin let him go. He stood himself, and then extended a hand to help Ryan to his feet. “I think I might actually sleep in my own bed tonight,” he said.
Ryan nodded as he took Colin’s hand, a slight frown turning down his lips. They went back to their respective cabins together in silence.
If Deb was surprised to find her husband next her in bed the next morning, she didn’t let it show. Merely she shared a terse “Good morning” with him once he’d opened his eyes. She was in the middle of dressing for breakfast. A slim skirt hugged her hips, a flowing blouse held aloft as she studied its sheen through the light streaming in the window.
“Morning,” Colin murmured in reply. Without sparing her another glance, he dug through his own suitcase for something suitable to wear and then proceeded to the bathroom for a shower. When he was finished and dressed, Deb was still there, staring despondently out the port hole. She glanced to Colin briefly as he tied his shoes.
“You look nice,” she said, turning to look back out the window.
Colin snorted. “Surprised?”
He was looking for a fight, unconsciously perhaps, but true all the same. Deb, however, didn’t rise to the bait.
“You’ll be joining us for breakfast, won’t you?”
“I suppose.”
“Good.”
Colin looked up in surprise. Deb was smiling at him, very slight and very sad, and it hit Colin that maybe she finally understood that he was serious when he’d asked for a divorce. He felt guilty for just a moment, and the thought crossed his mind that to stay with her, to forget his fantasies and go on as life was before would be far too easy.
For now.
In a month, maybe two, he knew he’d regret that decision. He couldn’t let himself stay in a marriage out of guilt or ease. He had to do what would make him happy.
They made a weak attempt at conversation as they walked to the dining hall, speaking of Luke and projects to be dealt with once life went back to normal.
Deb asked Colin if he had plans to continue with Getting Along Famously, but Colin only shrugged in response. He adored the show like it was his own child, but working with Deb on a daily basis was far from an appealing prospect. Given time perhaps he could pick it up again, but not now. Production wasn’t slated to begin for a few months. It wasn’t far off, but maybe, just maybe, it would be enough.
Pat and Ryan were alone at a small table on the edge of the hall, chatting happily. The sight made Colin nauseous. Deb automatically took her seat one down from Pat, leaving a space for Colin between them, but he sure as Hell wasn’t going to fall into that trap. Instead Colin moved around the table to plop down next to Ryan. Deb frowned at that, but Ryan just smiled, nudging Colin gently on the arm as he said his hellos.
They ordered food, from Colin’s simple coffee and muffin to Ryan’s full entourage of eggs, bacon, toast and hash browns. Colin had to admit, as he watched Ryan eat, that it looked delicious, but he feared his stomach would protest to anything so greasy, especially when Ryan continued to favor his wife with small touches throughout the meal. Colin polished off his muffin in record time and then just sat, idly sipping his black coffee, listening to Deb and Pat’s chatter, his own mind miles away.
“Did you want some?”
Colin blinked. It took him a moment to realize Ryan was addressing him.
“Pardon?”
Ryan had his fork upraised, a cheesy mass of egg speared on one end. He looked on the verge of laughing. “You’re staring at my plate like you haven’t eaten in days. Do you want some?” He offered the fork again.
Oh. Colin smiled and started to shake his head. He hadn’t realized he was looking at Ryan’s food. Rather he’d been off in his own little world, staring without seeing. The movement caused him to catch a glimpse of Pat’s expression, however, giving him pause. She didn’t look happy. Colin’s smile widened with satisfaction.
“Sure.” He shrugged as casually as possible. “I’ll try it.” He looked straight into Ryan’s eyes and opened his mouth.
It was clear from Ryan’s expression that he didn’t know quite what to make of Colin’s actions, but he went along with it willingly enough. He lay the prongs down on Colin’s tongue, waiting for him to close his mouth around the fork before slowly drawing it out.
Colin closed his eyes, grinning wickedly as he savored every last morsel. It wasn’t that much of an act; they were damn good eggs. When he opened his eyes, Ryan was still smiling at him, chuckling softly.
“Could I try some?” Pat asked suddenly.
It took a moment for Ryan to register the question. He did so with a shrug, saying, “Sure, honey,” and pushing eggs onto her plate with his fork. She scowled down at her plate and then reluctantly began picking at the food.
“Would you like to try some of my eggs?” Deb said, but Colin didn’t even spare her a glance. He just continued to watch Ryan, and Ryan watched him right back.
“More?” Ryan asked very quietly.
Colin grinned. “I’d love more.”
Breakfast went on that way in a passive aggressive vying for attention on all sides. Only when Ryan’s plate was clear, himself only eating maybe half of the breakfast he’d ordered, did it come to an end.
By that time both Deb and Pat were in decidedly foul moods and left together in search of peace and quiet discussion, leaving the men alone with barely a word of parting.
Colin found himself strolling the deck alongside Ryan. The sun was out, the air warm and humid. They steered clear of the pool and other overcrowded parts of the yacht, eventually ending up in a small alcove deep in the belly of the ship, leaning against the wall between the door to a janitor’s closet and a case for a fire hose as they watched patrons of the poorer rooms come and go.
They hadn’t spoken much since leaning the dining hall, just a word now and again as they decided which direction to take. So it was with no small amount of surprise when Ryan suddenly asked, “What was that all about?”
“What was what about?” Colin came back smoothly, though the question was rhetorical at best.
And Ryan knew it. “You know.”
“I was hungry.” Colin gave a half hearted shrug.
Ryan nodded, digesting that. “Deb’s breakfast looked a lot nicer than mine.”
“Why would I take anything from her?” Colin shot back, his tone a strange mixture of honest innocence and bitter humor.
“Point.” Ryan smiled, giving Colin a sidelong glance. He stayed silent for a very long time then, just watching his friend, and then said, “I shouldn’t have allowed it.”
“You offered.” Colin said.
“Shouldn’t have done that either.” Ryan licked his lips, frowning slightly. “I don’t think Pat is very happy with me. I doubt I’ll be getting any tonight.”
“Can’t say I’m sorry.”
Colin wasn’t sure if he meant to say it aloud, but the words were out there now, and he couldn’t take them back.
Ryan sighed. He was looking down, staring at the boards beneath his sneakers. “I know. The scary thing is...” and now he hesitated again, “I’m not sure I can either.”
Oh, this was not good. Colin fought the urge to smack the back of his head against the wall. “I’m sorry,” he hurried to say. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
Ryan shrugged. “It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not.” He wanted to grab Ryan, spin him so they were face to face and drill the point home, but he knew that if he looked into Ryan’s eyes right now, he’d lose his nerve. That wasn’t an option. “You’re supposed to want your wife, and I... I’m not helping.”
Ryan chuckled softly. “Don’t you dare say you’re not going to be my friend anymore.” Despite his tone, there was a vehemence in Ryan’s voice that startled Colin speechless. He finally risked a glance up to find Ryan staring at him, a smile on his lips that went nowhere near his eyes. “I won’t let you get away that easily,” Ryan said.
Colin didn’t know quite what to say to that. He hadn’t even considered shunning Ryan’s friendship, but now that it was in his head, it did seem like the most logical option, even if Ryan had just made it perfectly clear that it wasn’t an option at all.
They watched each other wordlessly for another minute, and then Ryan pushed off the wall. “Let’s go get our minds off this,” he said. “It’s too depressing.”
“What are we going to do?” Colin asked, obediently following Ryan down the thin hallway that would lead to higher decks.
“We...” Ryan said, drawing out the word as though he didn’t quite know himself. He paused at the foot of the staircase and turned to Colin, smiling. “I have no idea, but it’s going to involve a lot of drinking.”
Colin stifled a laugh. “You do realize that it’s not even noon yet, right?”
Ryan just smiled and started up the steps. “Last I checked, beer didn’t change flavor depending on the time of day.”
The bar, however, didn’t see things quite the same way as it didn’t even open until lunchtime. Luckily that wasn’t too far off, so they waited the time out on the deck, watching the ocean and commenting on the other tourists.
Colin could tell the ones with money at a glance. It wasn’t in the clothes; everyone dressed pretty much the same. Oh, their jeans might have been a little less thread bare, shoes a little less scuffed, but that wasn’t something someone would catch unless they were really studying a person. It was in the way they carried themselves, in the way the women would take these tiny, graceful steps and in the way the men looked down their noses at the ship’s staff hurrying past. It was a strange sight, Colin mused, because after all, they were all on the same boat.
When the bar opened, they decided to dine there. Colin would have been just as happy scrounging up a six pack and returning to their familiar spot on the top deck, but taking alcohol from the bar wasn’t allowed as a general rule. Instead they found a table in an out of the way corner of the outside dining area overlooking the starboard bow and nursed a pitcher of draft. It was still too early for most of the guests to be eating, and the bar saw barely another soul in the hour Ryan and Colin spent in its confines, but their seats afforded them privacy from even those few.
“Thought of a game yet?” Colin asked when the pitcher was just about empty. They’d run out of things to say nearly twenty minutes earlier, opting instead to watch the glint of sunlight off the water in companionable silence.
Ryan shrugged. “A few. Anything in particular you wanted to do?”
Colin pondered that as he searched the sky for clouds, but there was nothing but a clear expanse of cerulean blue as far as the eyes could see. He kept a perfectly straight face as he said, “I was thinking that it might be fun to show up to dinner absolutely plastered.”
Ryan let out a barking laugh. “Sounds like you’re trying to get us in trouble!”
“Trouble is fun,” Colin confirmed with a smile.
Ryan smiled right back. “Especially when you have just the right person to get in trouble with.”
The warmth that spread through Colin at those words was absolutely undeniable. It was at that very moment that he realized he was doing the right thing. He never felt more alive than when he was on stage, playing, but years of doing what he felt he should, what he had to do seemed to have made him forget that. He lived for improv, for the childlike fascination of pretend. It was in his blood, his soul. He’d let the misconception that he’d had to grow up get in the way of that, but no more.
“Come on,” Ryan said, getting to his feet and extending a hand to Colin. “Let’s go do something monumentally stupid.”
The second the woman was up, Colin was there, eyes darting back and forth, searching out other scavengers or those that meant to stop him in his tracks, but luckily not one person looked his way. Even the lifeguard had his attention elsewhere, on a pretty girl showing more skin than should be considered decent.
With a deep, fortifying breath, Colin darted forward, deftly lifting the large plastic deck chair and then spun, racing back to the far end of the pool.
Even sitting, Ryan seemed to tower over their makeshift fort. They already had two chairs, each lying on its side, placed end to end to make a sort of wall, an enclosure blocking them into the corner of the deck. Colin’s bounty would make three. He sat it neatly atop one of the chairs already in place, making sure it was steady before looking down to where Ryan sat, cross legged in the middle of it all.
“We’ll need one more,” Colin said, sweeping his gaze over the pool. In the heat of the day it was swarming with people, and they were starting to get some odd looks.
Ryan nodded solemnly. “There.” He pointed down the deck to where a couple was drying off, lifting their things off two chairs and then ambling away.
Colin gave a succinct nod and headed off. It was like a war zone, he reflected as he darted around children, weaving through occupied chairs, sights set. He had to remain unnoticed, camouflaged as it were. He was just another tourist, just a branch swaying in the breeze, barely registered and then immediately forgotten. Just ten more steps and he’d be at his quarry. Five more. Two. One. And then–
“Oh, I’m sorry. Are you sitting here?”
Colin blinked. The pretty girl showing too much skin was smiling up at him, a flowered canvas bag hanging on the tips of her fingers, hovering over the chair.
“I–“ he looked past her, but the other empty chair was currently being taken by an old man in a speedo. Colin frowned and looked back to the girl. He couldn’t take it now; it wasn’t right. She was actually going to use the chair. “No...”
“No, he’s not,” Ryan said, suddenly appearing at Colin’s side. He grinned at the girl. “I am.” And with that, he scooped up the chair and took off at a run. Colin caught just the vaguest hint of her bewildered expression before he was sprinting to catch up with Ryan.
“That wasn’t right!” Colin admonished in a harsh whisper.
“But we need it!” Ryan countered.
“No, not that! You left the fort unattended!”
“Oh, that!” Ryan let out a deep laugh.
They skidded to a halt and then deftly leaped over the lower half of the embattlement, both safely inside when Ryan fit the final chair in place, their fort complete. Ryan stooped down to peer through a gap in the chairs.
“It’s not like there’s anything of value in here.”
Colin plopped down on the floor beside him. “Our ammo’s in here,” he argued and proceeded to check on said ammunition, two handfuls of Sweet n Low packets and a bowl of celery stalks snatched from behind the bar. It was all there. Satisfied, he looked to Ryan. “What’s happening out there?”
“Nothing yet...” Ryan worried his lower lip. Colin could see his pupils dancing back and forth as he surveyed their surroundings. “No, wait!” Ryan sucked in a breath, stilled. “We’ve been spotted.”
Colin started to get up but a hand on his arms gave him pause.
“Steady now,” Ryan advised. His hand left Colin’s arm to gesture at the ammo without looking.
Colin looked to their meager stores. “Big guns?” he said.
Ryan shook his head. “Not yet. A couple of packets should do it. They’re just scouts.”
When the Sweet n Low was in Ryan’s hands, he settled back on his heels, still watching the gap. “Get armed,” he whispered.
Colin complied without question. It didn’t matter that he had no idea the kind of enemy they were facing. He trusted Ryan to get them through it.
“Ready...” Ryan cocked his arm back. “And.... fire!”
In seconds the air was filled with a barrage of pink packets flying every which way as the air currents caught and tossed them about. It was immediately followed by the slap of paper meeting skin, gasps and then the unmistakable sound of children’s laughter, a boy and a girl, Colin surmised.
Ryan flung an arm out, halting Colin as he reached for more ammunition. Colin let his hand hover over the pile, watching Ryan warily. They hadn’t hurt anyone, had they?
But the next second Ryan was motioning frantically. “More ammo!” he cried. “More ammo!”
More laughter more like, and those same pink packets were flying back over the wall, raining down on them, and the real war began.
Some time later, after the children had been herded away by a very disgruntled mother, after most of the packets had split, showering all around in a thin sheen of sweet, white powder, Colin and Ryan settled back against the side of the ship, still safely encased in their surprisingly sturdy fort, and chewed thoughtfully on the remains of the wilting celery.
“I think we lost,” Ryan remarked after a few minutes.
Colin peeled a string out of his stalk of celery. “I’d say it was more of a draw.”
“Mm.” Ryan nodded and chewed. A smile bloomed over his lips. “We should do this more often.”
“We should.” Colin smiled. “We could.” He stared down at the celery in his hands, but he was no longer seeing it. He was looking at himself and Ryan holed up in a not dissimilar fort tucked away in a corner of Ryan’s spacious yard. Sam, Mac and Luke were across the yard in their own embattlement, making plans, sending Luke out with a water balloon in each hand. He could see his son sneaking along the perimeter of the yard, hoping to go unnoticed and failing miserably. Pat and Deb watched them from the porch, smiles on their faces.
No, that was wrong. The image shifted and changed. Deb was gone. Luke was gone. Pat was watching them with disdain now, Claire huddled safely in her arms. Pat knew Colin’s motives, could read it in his eyes. When she smiled it was with a smug sort of pity. Colin hated her. Envied her. Jealousy boiled his blood, marked his skin with thick, red, penned lines, poison in his veins.
But then Ryan was laughing, and Colin was blinking up at him. The image dissolved, and all he could see was Ryan smiling at him curiously.
“You really do live in your own world, don’t you?” he mused.
Colin sighed. “Just thinking about the future.”
That wiped the smile off Ryan’s face. He averted his eyes to stare down at his hands. “I’ve been thinking about that myself,” he confessed. He licked his lips and let out a long, shuddering breath. “And I’ve been thinking that this isn’t fair to you.”
“Ryan...” Colin said with a sigh, but Ryan was shaking his head, a silent plea for quiet which Colin unthinkingly obliged.
Ryan nodded to himself, still not meeting Colin’s eyes. “I know you think you’ll be fine with it. Being by my side, wanting more and never getting it, having to watch me go back to Pat every night... but I was thinking...” He finally looked up at Colin. There was a pain in his eyes, pain and an honest love that took Colin’s breath away. “I was thinking...” he said again.
“Was it too much to hope that you two could go one day without embarrassing us?”
Colin shut his eyes, biting back a groan. He had the impression that he really hadn’t wanted to hear whatever it was Ryan was about to say, but he needed to hear it, and that certainly wasn’t going to happen now. He wanted to take Ryan’s hand and march away, right off the boat if need be, anywhere they could go in order to finish this conversation in private.
Instead he grinned nastily up at the woman who was still his wife and said, “We do try.”
“Try our patience,” Pat agreed from her place next to Deb.
Colin did groan now, his gaze drifting back to Ryan, looking for back up, but Ryan was looking down. Ashamed? Colin thought, worried, until he saw exactly what Ryan was looking at: the half full dish of celery still nestled between them.
Ryan looked up and met his eyes.
“Big guns?” Colin asked around the makings of a smile.
Ryan grinned. “Big guns.”
Needless to say the women weren’t very happy with them by the time dinner rolled around. They’d stormed off in a huff after being bombarded by celery, but soon Ryan was feeling guilty and went searching for Pat, leaving Colin alone.
“We will finish this talk,” Ryan had said very quietly just before he stood to leave. He watched Colin a moment, his eyes strangely unreadable and then leaned in to place a soft kiss on his lips. “Tonight,” he had said, and then he was gone.
Dinner was more or less a repeat of breakfast if perhaps a bit more subdued. Deb was still making a strained attempt at winning Colin’s affections while the war for Ryan’s heart went on around her. Ryan did his best to keep out of all of it. He appeared preoccupied, remaining far quieter than he had on previous evenings, speaking only when spoken to, which, considering the amount of attention he was getting from both Colin and Pat, was substantial, but even then he kept his replies succinct.
Colin caught Ryan watching him a few times throughout the meal, but by the time it registered, Ryan was already looking away.
Even if Pat felt the need to covet Ryan’s attention, she was still far from happy with him, so after dessert, she retired with him to their cabin for a talk. As he was leaving, Ryan leaned over to whisper in Colin’s ear, “Meet me on our deck in an hour.”
Colin had to smile at that. He watched Ryan go, still completely in the dark about what, exactly, Ryan had to tell him, but he couldn’t find it in himself to be overly concerned. When Ryan disappeared from view, Colin looked to Deb only to find her frowning at him. They stood and left the table together. Colin wasn’t sure what Deb had planned for the evening, but he intended to change into something more comfortable. For the first time in days he’d actually dressed for dinner, and the suit he now wore left him feeling stifled.
“What are your plans after...” Debs said suddenly when they were nearly to their room. She couldn’t seem to finish the question.
“The divorce?” Colin said for her. He shrugged, keeping his gaze straight ahead. “I think I’ll move back west.”
“Back to Vancouver?”
“Something like that.”
He let her unlock the door. “For Ryan?” She asked. It was said very softly, almost quiet enough to hide the trembling in her voice.
Colin didn’t answer. He looked to her, seeing understanding dawn in her eyes along with a healthy dose of pity. She knew, and yet she found the tact to not say it. Instead she began to undress, simultaneously pulling out her bedclothes.
“Luke could stay with you over the summer.”
It was generous offer all things considered. Colin shared a warm smile with his wife. “I’d like that.”
It was actually closer to an hour and a half before Ryan found Colin on deck, but Colin didn’t mind waiting. He enjoyed a little time to himself every now and again. There was a couple making out in the shadows when he’d first arrived, but he ignored them, and when it became obvious he wasn’t leaving any time soon, they picked up and hurried off in search of privacy.
Colin felt Ryan’s presence long before he joined him at the railing. Ryan ascended the steps and stood there for a few minutes. Colin knew it was him without turning around. He wasn’t sure how he knew; he’d stopped questioning those instincts years ago.
“This is our last night here,” Colin said suddenly. Ryan didn’t respond, and he didn’t come any closer. “Tomorrow evening we’ll be back in the states.” Going our separate ways, Colin added in his mind.
“We’ll see each other soon, though,” Ryan said. He finally came forward, sitting by Colin’s side and joining him in looking out over the silent water.
Colin nodded. In a few weeks they’d be together. Between then and now, however, his time would be consumed by divorce proceedings and finding a new home. He’d certainly need the tour, the play, to calm his nerves after all that.
“And... about that...” Ryan breathed in deeply. Colin looked to him out of the corner of his eye. Here it was, the words he knew he didn’t want to hear. “I think it’s time for a change.”
Colin blinked, chuckled. “Me divorcing Deb and moving to Washington isn’t enough of a change?”
“No, it’s not.” Ryan looked at him properly now, still with that undefinable gaze from earlier. “What’s happened here... I can’t forget it. I don’t want to. And I was thinking... maybe I don’t have to.”
Colin just stared at him uncomprehendingly. Out of all the scenarios that had flitted through his mind, this was not one of them. “I don’t think I understand.”
Suddenly Ryan was over him, leaning forward and invading Colin’s personal space in a way that had his blood singing. Ryan reached a hand out to steady himself and continued moving forward, pressing Colin back. The other hand curved around the nape of Colin’s neck, drawing him back up. “I want you,” Ryan whispered against his lips. And then he was kissing him, hot and wet and messy, and Colin was kissing him back with a fierceness he hadn’t realized he possessed.
Ryan’s hand left Colin for just a moment, and then it was over Colin’s heart, pushing him down with the slightest pressure until Colin was lying back on the cool deck. Ryan adjusted himself until he was straddling Colin’s hips, and throughout it all, he never left Colin’s lips.
It was absolutely amazing. They’d shared less than a handful of real kisses, but Ryan seemed to know exactly what Colin liked. Powerful but not intrusive. Ryan caught Colin’s lower lips between his own, lavishing it with attention, sucking it in gently before delving back into his mouth. And Colin would have liked to just forget everything and kiss Ryan for hours, but common sense halted on its detour to his crotch, coming to the forefront of his mind.
“Ryan,” he whispered, the name catching in his throat. His hands were on the other man’s shoulders, reluctantly pushing him away. “What are you doing?”
Ryan laughed, not quite willing to part from Colin’s mouth just yet. The sound caressed his lips delightfully. “I think that’s pretty obvious.”
“But...” Oh God, he had to get Ryan off him now or risk drowning in him. “I don’t think this is what you want to talk about...”
Ryan finally drew back, hovering just inches away from Colin’s face. “It is,” he said. He had an almost smile on his lips. “I don’t want to give you up. I can’t leave Pat, but... I can’t ignore this.”
“What are you saying?” Colin asked despite the fact that it was quite clear.
“I want this to continue after this vacation. You and me. And not just friends. I think...” He swallowed, tasting the words in his mind and weighing them before he’d allow himself to speak them aloud. “I want to have an affair with you.”
“Oh.”
Not the most eloquent of replies, but then Colin was still reeling from all the implications of that one sentence. He wanted to jump at the offer. He wanted to try this thing with Ryan and see where it took them, but at the same time Ryan had a family to consider and...
“I can’t let you.”
Ryan frowned. “I’m not leaving it up to you.”
Colin actually laughed. There was a cold, hard mass settling into his chest and it came out slightly hysterical. “You can’t make me have an affair with you.”
But when it came down to it, there was no way in Hell Colin was going to keep up this morally upright bullshit for long, and they both knew it. So it was that a smile curved Ryan’s lips as he stayed, still bent over Colin, inches from his mouth.
“Wanna bet?”
And it really was the worst idea Ryan had ever had, but Colin didn’t even try to stop him when Ryan kissed him again. Colin twined his arms around Ryan’s neck, dragging him down, needing to feel every inch of the other man against him, needing to get lost in his scent and the harsh whisper of his breath between kisses. If this kept up, it was going to go far beyond kissing, but Colin couldn’t make himself stop. He could feel the hardness of Ryan’s erection through his jeans pressed against his hip and arched up, sliding their stomachs together, groaning in response to the delicious hitch in Ryan’s breathing at the contact.
Suddenly Ryan tore himself away, leaving Colin blinking hazily up at him. Thoughtlessly he reached up to pull Ryan back down, but Ryan resisted with a smile. He kept Colin flat on the deck with one hand pressed down on his chest. The other moved to his zipper.
The quiet grate of metal teeth was strangely loud, even over the backdrop of waves thumping against the side of the ship. The sound alone had Colin heart beating erratically, more aroused than he could ever remember being, the situation made all the better by the fact that they were basically in public. At any moment someone could come up there and find them.
Ryan’s fingers were sliding into his jeans, beneath the elastic of his briefs to wrap around his erection. Colin sighed at the touch, closing his eyes briefly in bliss before opening them again to look into Ryan’s eyes black as night.
Ryan had pulled him free and was staring down at his erection, still smiling slightly as he stroked the length of it. It suddenly hit Colin that this was Ryan. He was about to have sex with Ryan, his best friend. For a moment even the pleasure of being touched was overwhelmed by the look on Ryan’s face, the absolute fascination, and Colin could tell Ryan was feeling it, too.
“It doesn’t seem real, does it?”
Colin didn’t even realize he’d spoken until Ryan looked up and answered, “No.” He smiled, wrapping his hand more firmly around Colin now and squeezing gently as he lowered himself to take Colin’s mouth again, swallowing his gasp.
From there it was a strange mix of instinct versus uncertainty. When it came down to the bare bones of the situation, sex was sex, but neither had been with a man before, and this was far too important to screw up.
Colin found that he’d never been so concerned with pleasing another person. As Ryan continued to stroke him, Colin just had to return the favor, bringing both of their abilities to concentrate down to nothing. That, however, just made it better. Colin couldn’t take his eyes off Ryan’s face, gauging his every reaction, laughing when he realized Ryan was doing the same. Time and again, Ryan leaned down to share broken, half finished kisses with him, his breath shuddering over Colin’s chin like a drug; the sight of his heavily lidded eyes and flushed cheeks were almost better than Ryan’s hand on him.
Colin came first, head smacking into the wood of the deck, laughing at the pain around harsh, wet breaths. It was all he could do to remember to finish off Ryan.
The entire time Ryan had stayed propped above him, but now he let himself drop, settling over Colin and looking more than ready to fall asleep on the spot. Colin wrapped his arms tight around him, feeling the tremors in his overworked arms. He breathed in deeply the scents of sex and sweat that mixed so perfectly with the salty air.
“That was amazing,” Colin said, almost to himself.
Ryan hummed his agreement. He stirred slightly, absently attempting to regain the strength to sit up when something stopped him. Colin turned his head to look at him, feeling Ryan’s body go tense.
“What’s wrong?”
But before the words had even fully formed, Colin heard it: a slow, steady clapping.
Shit.
In unison they bolted up, turning to face their audience. Colin could swear that his heart actually stopped.
Standing at the top of the steps, night gown swaying around her calves, was Deb. Her face was hidden in shadow, but her posture was clear, arms lifting to cross over her chest, head held high.
“I know I guessed,” she said, voice devoid of emotion, “but I just had to see it for myself.”
tbc
12/17/05
Author: Clay
Pairing: Ryan/Colin
Rating: R
Summary: Vacations should be a time for relaxation, a chance to escape the real world and just have fun, but Colin is quickly coming to find that there’s no escaping fate.
Author’s Notes: These are completely random notes that I just feel like mentioning. They’re not important in the slightest. I’m pretty sure this story takes place around 2008, though where I’m getting that I have no idea. It might just be the time line I made up in my head. So, yeah, the kids would be too old to play the way Colin imagines them playing, but it’s his fantasy, so I suppose that’s okay.
After another moment of awkwardness, the conversation picked up again, this time venturing to safer topics. Mostly they discussed work and the upcoming tour, the “Ryan’s House” tour as Colin liked to call it. These days, it was usually the only time of year he saw his friend, but all of that would soon change.
“When you’re not on tour with Brad,” Ryan commented, not looking at Colin; they had yet to properly look at each other since Ryan made the decision to stay, “you could join me at the club in Bellingham. If you want to, of course.”
Colin nodded.
“It’s small, but... it’s nice. I think you’d like it.”
“Of course I will,” Colin replied. He allowed a ghost of a smile to cross his lips. “You’ll be there.”
Suddenly Ryan laughed. For the first time in almost half an hour he looked to Colin, smiling, though it didn’t quite touch his eyes. “You’re going to get sick of me.”
Colin smiled right back. “I could never.”
Ryan just shook his head and looked back to the sky. “We’ll see how you feel in a few months.”
“Yes,” Colin said, “we will.” And though the subject of conversation was quite somber, neither man could bring himself to feel anything less than overjoyed at the prospect.
“I’m going to show up at your house at all hours,” Ryan said. “Drag you out on stupid adventures at three in the morning. You’ll end up posting guard dogs to keep me away.”
“I’ll probably give you a key,” Colin countered.
He considered Ryan’s words, imagining Ryan pulling him from sleep at some ungodly hour, dragging him to a 24 hour grocers for something silly like jelly beans or water balloons or perhaps rousing him for an adventure, a romp through the woods in the black of night, searching for a rock or a tree that had significance to only Ryan that he just had to show Colin right now.
The smile slipped from Colin’s lips. “Pat won’t like that.”
Ryan shrugged. “She’ll deal.”
“I hate her.”
Colin didn’t know how he had expected Ryan to react to that. Surprise, perhaps, or maybe anger, but certainly not with the soft sight of acknowledgment that left him, hovering on a breath.
“I know.”
“Are you mad at me?”
Ryan considered that. “No.”
“Disappointed?”
“Maybe I was back when you first met her,” Ryan said with a chuckle, “but you’ve felt like that for so long that now I just accept it.” He paused for a moment, still smiling. “I wonder why I never hated Deb.”
Colin frowned. “You introduced us.”
“Yes, but... only because I already had Pat. I think I did it on purpose,” he mused. “Making sure you were taken so I wouldn’t have to wonder anymore. And she was good for you,” Ryan said, looking back to Colin. “She was good enough for you. I thought she could take my place.”
“That was silly.”
Ryan grinned cheekily. “It worked, didn’t it?”
“Until now.”
“Until now,” Ryan echoed, smiling gently. He sighed and checked his watch. Colin could see the little lights telling them it was half past midnight.
“I really should get back,” Ryan said. He wouldn’t look at Colin.
And this time Colin let him go. He stood himself, and then extended a hand to help Ryan to his feet. “I think I might actually sleep in my own bed tonight,” he said.
Ryan nodded as he took Colin’s hand, a slight frown turning down his lips. They went back to their respective cabins together in silence.
If Deb was surprised to find her husband next her in bed the next morning, she didn’t let it show. Merely she shared a terse “Good morning” with him once he’d opened his eyes. She was in the middle of dressing for breakfast. A slim skirt hugged her hips, a flowing blouse held aloft as she studied its sheen through the light streaming in the window.
“Morning,” Colin murmured in reply. Without sparing her another glance, he dug through his own suitcase for something suitable to wear and then proceeded to the bathroom for a shower. When he was finished and dressed, Deb was still there, staring despondently out the port hole. She glanced to Colin briefly as he tied his shoes.
“You look nice,” she said, turning to look back out the window.
Colin snorted. “Surprised?”
He was looking for a fight, unconsciously perhaps, but true all the same. Deb, however, didn’t rise to the bait.
“You’ll be joining us for breakfast, won’t you?”
“I suppose.”
“Good.”
Colin looked up in surprise. Deb was smiling at him, very slight and very sad, and it hit Colin that maybe she finally understood that he was serious when he’d asked for a divorce. He felt guilty for just a moment, and the thought crossed his mind that to stay with her, to forget his fantasies and go on as life was before would be far too easy.
For now.
In a month, maybe two, he knew he’d regret that decision. He couldn’t let himself stay in a marriage out of guilt or ease. He had to do what would make him happy.
They made a weak attempt at conversation as they walked to the dining hall, speaking of Luke and projects to be dealt with once life went back to normal.
Deb asked Colin if he had plans to continue with Getting Along Famously, but Colin only shrugged in response. He adored the show like it was his own child, but working with Deb on a daily basis was far from an appealing prospect. Given time perhaps he could pick it up again, but not now. Production wasn’t slated to begin for a few months. It wasn’t far off, but maybe, just maybe, it would be enough.
Pat and Ryan were alone at a small table on the edge of the hall, chatting happily. The sight made Colin nauseous. Deb automatically took her seat one down from Pat, leaving a space for Colin between them, but he sure as Hell wasn’t going to fall into that trap. Instead Colin moved around the table to plop down next to Ryan. Deb frowned at that, but Ryan just smiled, nudging Colin gently on the arm as he said his hellos.
They ordered food, from Colin’s simple coffee and muffin to Ryan’s full entourage of eggs, bacon, toast and hash browns. Colin had to admit, as he watched Ryan eat, that it looked delicious, but he feared his stomach would protest to anything so greasy, especially when Ryan continued to favor his wife with small touches throughout the meal. Colin polished off his muffin in record time and then just sat, idly sipping his black coffee, listening to Deb and Pat’s chatter, his own mind miles away.
“Did you want some?”
Colin blinked. It took him a moment to realize Ryan was addressing him.
“Pardon?”
Ryan had his fork upraised, a cheesy mass of egg speared on one end. He looked on the verge of laughing. “You’re staring at my plate like you haven’t eaten in days. Do you want some?” He offered the fork again.
Oh. Colin smiled and started to shake his head. He hadn’t realized he was looking at Ryan’s food. Rather he’d been off in his own little world, staring without seeing. The movement caused him to catch a glimpse of Pat’s expression, however, giving him pause. She didn’t look happy. Colin’s smile widened with satisfaction.
“Sure.” He shrugged as casually as possible. “I’ll try it.” He looked straight into Ryan’s eyes and opened his mouth.
It was clear from Ryan’s expression that he didn’t know quite what to make of Colin’s actions, but he went along with it willingly enough. He lay the prongs down on Colin’s tongue, waiting for him to close his mouth around the fork before slowly drawing it out.
Colin closed his eyes, grinning wickedly as he savored every last morsel. It wasn’t that much of an act; they were damn good eggs. When he opened his eyes, Ryan was still smiling at him, chuckling softly.
“Could I try some?” Pat asked suddenly.
It took a moment for Ryan to register the question. He did so with a shrug, saying, “Sure, honey,” and pushing eggs onto her plate with his fork. She scowled down at her plate and then reluctantly began picking at the food.
“Would you like to try some of my eggs?” Deb said, but Colin didn’t even spare her a glance. He just continued to watch Ryan, and Ryan watched him right back.
“More?” Ryan asked very quietly.
Colin grinned. “I’d love more.”
Breakfast went on that way in a passive aggressive vying for attention on all sides. Only when Ryan’s plate was clear, himself only eating maybe half of the breakfast he’d ordered, did it come to an end.
By that time both Deb and Pat were in decidedly foul moods and left together in search of peace and quiet discussion, leaving the men alone with barely a word of parting.
Colin found himself strolling the deck alongside Ryan. The sun was out, the air warm and humid. They steered clear of the pool and other overcrowded parts of the yacht, eventually ending up in a small alcove deep in the belly of the ship, leaning against the wall between the door to a janitor’s closet and a case for a fire hose as they watched patrons of the poorer rooms come and go.
They hadn’t spoken much since leaning the dining hall, just a word now and again as they decided which direction to take. So it was with no small amount of surprise when Ryan suddenly asked, “What was that all about?”
“What was what about?” Colin came back smoothly, though the question was rhetorical at best.
And Ryan knew it. “You know.”
“I was hungry.” Colin gave a half hearted shrug.
Ryan nodded, digesting that. “Deb’s breakfast looked a lot nicer than mine.”
“Why would I take anything from her?” Colin shot back, his tone a strange mixture of honest innocence and bitter humor.
“Point.” Ryan smiled, giving Colin a sidelong glance. He stayed silent for a very long time then, just watching his friend, and then said, “I shouldn’t have allowed it.”
“You offered.” Colin said.
“Shouldn’t have done that either.” Ryan licked his lips, frowning slightly. “I don’t think Pat is very happy with me. I doubt I’ll be getting any tonight.”
“Can’t say I’m sorry.”
Colin wasn’t sure if he meant to say it aloud, but the words were out there now, and he couldn’t take them back.
Ryan sighed. He was looking down, staring at the boards beneath his sneakers. “I know. The scary thing is...” and now he hesitated again, “I’m not sure I can either.”
Oh, this was not good. Colin fought the urge to smack the back of his head against the wall. “I’m sorry,” he hurried to say. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
Ryan shrugged. “It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not.” He wanted to grab Ryan, spin him so they were face to face and drill the point home, but he knew that if he looked into Ryan’s eyes right now, he’d lose his nerve. That wasn’t an option. “You’re supposed to want your wife, and I... I’m not helping.”
Ryan chuckled softly. “Don’t you dare say you’re not going to be my friend anymore.” Despite his tone, there was a vehemence in Ryan’s voice that startled Colin speechless. He finally risked a glance up to find Ryan staring at him, a smile on his lips that went nowhere near his eyes. “I won’t let you get away that easily,” Ryan said.
Colin didn’t know quite what to say to that. He hadn’t even considered shunning Ryan’s friendship, but now that it was in his head, it did seem like the most logical option, even if Ryan had just made it perfectly clear that it wasn’t an option at all.
They watched each other wordlessly for another minute, and then Ryan pushed off the wall. “Let’s go get our minds off this,” he said. “It’s too depressing.”
“What are we going to do?” Colin asked, obediently following Ryan down the thin hallway that would lead to higher decks.
“We...” Ryan said, drawing out the word as though he didn’t quite know himself. He paused at the foot of the staircase and turned to Colin, smiling. “I have no idea, but it’s going to involve a lot of drinking.”
Colin stifled a laugh. “You do realize that it’s not even noon yet, right?”
Ryan just smiled and started up the steps. “Last I checked, beer didn’t change flavor depending on the time of day.”
The bar, however, didn’t see things quite the same way as it didn’t even open until lunchtime. Luckily that wasn’t too far off, so they waited the time out on the deck, watching the ocean and commenting on the other tourists.
Colin could tell the ones with money at a glance. It wasn’t in the clothes; everyone dressed pretty much the same. Oh, their jeans might have been a little less thread bare, shoes a little less scuffed, but that wasn’t something someone would catch unless they were really studying a person. It was in the way they carried themselves, in the way the women would take these tiny, graceful steps and in the way the men looked down their noses at the ship’s staff hurrying past. It was a strange sight, Colin mused, because after all, they were all on the same boat.
When the bar opened, they decided to dine there. Colin would have been just as happy scrounging up a six pack and returning to their familiar spot on the top deck, but taking alcohol from the bar wasn’t allowed as a general rule. Instead they found a table in an out of the way corner of the outside dining area overlooking the starboard bow and nursed a pitcher of draft. It was still too early for most of the guests to be eating, and the bar saw barely another soul in the hour Ryan and Colin spent in its confines, but their seats afforded them privacy from even those few.
“Thought of a game yet?” Colin asked when the pitcher was just about empty. They’d run out of things to say nearly twenty minutes earlier, opting instead to watch the glint of sunlight off the water in companionable silence.
Ryan shrugged. “A few. Anything in particular you wanted to do?”
Colin pondered that as he searched the sky for clouds, but there was nothing but a clear expanse of cerulean blue as far as the eyes could see. He kept a perfectly straight face as he said, “I was thinking that it might be fun to show up to dinner absolutely plastered.”
Ryan let out a barking laugh. “Sounds like you’re trying to get us in trouble!”
“Trouble is fun,” Colin confirmed with a smile.
Ryan smiled right back. “Especially when you have just the right person to get in trouble with.”
The warmth that spread through Colin at those words was absolutely undeniable. It was at that very moment that he realized he was doing the right thing. He never felt more alive than when he was on stage, playing, but years of doing what he felt he should, what he had to do seemed to have made him forget that. He lived for improv, for the childlike fascination of pretend. It was in his blood, his soul. He’d let the misconception that he’d had to grow up get in the way of that, but no more.
“Come on,” Ryan said, getting to his feet and extending a hand to Colin. “Let’s go do something monumentally stupid.”
The second the woman was up, Colin was there, eyes darting back and forth, searching out other scavengers or those that meant to stop him in his tracks, but luckily not one person looked his way. Even the lifeguard had his attention elsewhere, on a pretty girl showing more skin than should be considered decent.
With a deep, fortifying breath, Colin darted forward, deftly lifting the large plastic deck chair and then spun, racing back to the far end of the pool.
Even sitting, Ryan seemed to tower over their makeshift fort. They already had two chairs, each lying on its side, placed end to end to make a sort of wall, an enclosure blocking them into the corner of the deck. Colin’s bounty would make three. He sat it neatly atop one of the chairs already in place, making sure it was steady before looking down to where Ryan sat, cross legged in the middle of it all.
“We’ll need one more,” Colin said, sweeping his gaze over the pool. In the heat of the day it was swarming with people, and they were starting to get some odd looks.
Ryan nodded solemnly. “There.” He pointed down the deck to where a couple was drying off, lifting their things off two chairs and then ambling away.
Colin gave a succinct nod and headed off. It was like a war zone, he reflected as he darted around children, weaving through occupied chairs, sights set. He had to remain unnoticed, camouflaged as it were. He was just another tourist, just a branch swaying in the breeze, barely registered and then immediately forgotten. Just ten more steps and he’d be at his quarry. Five more. Two. One. And then–
“Oh, I’m sorry. Are you sitting here?”
Colin blinked. The pretty girl showing too much skin was smiling up at him, a flowered canvas bag hanging on the tips of her fingers, hovering over the chair.
“I–“ he looked past her, but the other empty chair was currently being taken by an old man in a speedo. Colin frowned and looked back to the girl. He couldn’t take it now; it wasn’t right. She was actually going to use the chair. “No...”
“No, he’s not,” Ryan said, suddenly appearing at Colin’s side. He grinned at the girl. “I am.” And with that, he scooped up the chair and took off at a run. Colin caught just the vaguest hint of her bewildered expression before he was sprinting to catch up with Ryan.
“That wasn’t right!” Colin admonished in a harsh whisper.
“But we need it!” Ryan countered.
“No, not that! You left the fort unattended!”
“Oh, that!” Ryan let out a deep laugh.
They skidded to a halt and then deftly leaped over the lower half of the embattlement, both safely inside when Ryan fit the final chair in place, their fort complete. Ryan stooped down to peer through a gap in the chairs.
“It’s not like there’s anything of value in here.”
Colin plopped down on the floor beside him. “Our ammo’s in here,” he argued and proceeded to check on said ammunition, two handfuls of Sweet n Low packets and a bowl of celery stalks snatched from behind the bar. It was all there. Satisfied, he looked to Ryan. “What’s happening out there?”
“Nothing yet...” Ryan worried his lower lip. Colin could see his pupils dancing back and forth as he surveyed their surroundings. “No, wait!” Ryan sucked in a breath, stilled. “We’ve been spotted.”
Colin started to get up but a hand on his arms gave him pause.
“Steady now,” Ryan advised. His hand left Colin’s arm to gesture at the ammo without looking.
Colin looked to their meager stores. “Big guns?” he said.
Ryan shook his head. “Not yet. A couple of packets should do it. They’re just scouts.”
When the Sweet n Low was in Ryan’s hands, he settled back on his heels, still watching the gap. “Get armed,” he whispered.
Colin complied without question. It didn’t matter that he had no idea the kind of enemy they were facing. He trusted Ryan to get them through it.
“Ready...” Ryan cocked his arm back. “And.... fire!”
In seconds the air was filled with a barrage of pink packets flying every which way as the air currents caught and tossed them about. It was immediately followed by the slap of paper meeting skin, gasps and then the unmistakable sound of children’s laughter, a boy and a girl, Colin surmised.
Ryan flung an arm out, halting Colin as he reached for more ammunition. Colin let his hand hover over the pile, watching Ryan warily. They hadn’t hurt anyone, had they?
But the next second Ryan was motioning frantically. “More ammo!” he cried. “More ammo!”
More laughter more like, and those same pink packets were flying back over the wall, raining down on them, and the real war began.
Some time later, after the children had been herded away by a very disgruntled mother, after most of the packets had split, showering all around in a thin sheen of sweet, white powder, Colin and Ryan settled back against the side of the ship, still safely encased in their surprisingly sturdy fort, and chewed thoughtfully on the remains of the wilting celery.
“I think we lost,” Ryan remarked after a few minutes.
Colin peeled a string out of his stalk of celery. “I’d say it was more of a draw.”
“Mm.” Ryan nodded and chewed. A smile bloomed over his lips. “We should do this more often.”
“We should.” Colin smiled. “We could.” He stared down at the celery in his hands, but he was no longer seeing it. He was looking at himself and Ryan holed up in a not dissimilar fort tucked away in a corner of Ryan’s spacious yard. Sam, Mac and Luke were across the yard in their own embattlement, making plans, sending Luke out with a water balloon in each hand. He could see his son sneaking along the perimeter of the yard, hoping to go unnoticed and failing miserably. Pat and Deb watched them from the porch, smiles on their faces.
No, that was wrong. The image shifted and changed. Deb was gone. Luke was gone. Pat was watching them with disdain now, Claire huddled safely in her arms. Pat knew Colin’s motives, could read it in his eyes. When she smiled it was with a smug sort of pity. Colin hated her. Envied her. Jealousy boiled his blood, marked his skin with thick, red, penned lines, poison in his veins.
But then Ryan was laughing, and Colin was blinking up at him. The image dissolved, and all he could see was Ryan smiling at him curiously.
“You really do live in your own world, don’t you?” he mused.
Colin sighed. “Just thinking about the future.”
That wiped the smile off Ryan’s face. He averted his eyes to stare down at his hands. “I’ve been thinking about that myself,” he confessed. He licked his lips and let out a long, shuddering breath. “And I’ve been thinking that this isn’t fair to you.”
“Ryan...” Colin said with a sigh, but Ryan was shaking his head, a silent plea for quiet which Colin unthinkingly obliged.
Ryan nodded to himself, still not meeting Colin’s eyes. “I know you think you’ll be fine with it. Being by my side, wanting more and never getting it, having to watch me go back to Pat every night... but I was thinking...” He finally looked up at Colin. There was a pain in his eyes, pain and an honest love that took Colin’s breath away. “I was thinking...” he said again.
“Was it too much to hope that you two could go one day without embarrassing us?”
Colin shut his eyes, biting back a groan. He had the impression that he really hadn’t wanted to hear whatever it was Ryan was about to say, but he needed to hear it, and that certainly wasn’t going to happen now. He wanted to take Ryan’s hand and march away, right off the boat if need be, anywhere they could go in order to finish this conversation in private.
Instead he grinned nastily up at the woman who was still his wife and said, “We do try.”
“Try our patience,” Pat agreed from her place next to Deb.
Colin did groan now, his gaze drifting back to Ryan, looking for back up, but Ryan was looking down. Ashamed? Colin thought, worried, until he saw exactly what Ryan was looking at: the half full dish of celery still nestled between them.
Ryan looked up and met his eyes.
“Big guns?” Colin asked around the makings of a smile.
Ryan grinned. “Big guns.”
Needless to say the women weren’t very happy with them by the time dinner rolled around. They’d stormed off in a huff after being bombarded by celery, but soon Ryan was feeling guilty and went searching for Pat, leaving Colin alone.
“We will finish this talk,” Ryan had said very quietly just before he stood to leave. He watched Colin a moment, his eyes strangely unreadable and then leaned in to place a soft kiss on his lips. “Tonight,” he had said, and then he was gone.
Dinner was more or less a repeat of breakfast if perhaps a bit more subdued. Deb was still making a strained attempt at winning Colin’s affections while the war for Ryan’s heart went on around her. Ryan did his best to keep out of all of it. He appeared preoccupied, remaining far quieter than he had on previous evenings, speaking only when spoken to, which, considering the amount of attention he was getting from both Colin and Pat, was substantial, but even then he kept his replies succinct.
Colin caught Ryan watching him a few times throughout the meal, but by the time it registered, Ryan was already looking away.
Even if Pat felt the need to covet Ryan’s attention, she was still far from happy with him, so after dessert, she retired with him to their cabin for a talk. As he was leaving, Ryan leaned over to whisper in Colin’s ear, “Meet me on our deck in an hour.”
Colin had to smile at that. He watched Ryan go, still completely in the dark about what, exactly, Ryan had to tell him, but he couldn’t find it in himself to be overly concerned. When Ryan disappeared from view, Colin looked to Deb only to find her frowning at him. They stood and left the table together. Colin wasn’t sure what Deb had planned for the evening, but he intended to change into something more comfortable. For the first time in days he’d actually dressed for dinner, and the suit he now wore left him feeling stifled.
“What are your plans after...” Debs said suddenly when they were nearly to their room. She couldn’t seem to finish the question.
“The divorce?” Colin said for her. He shrugged, keeping his gaze straight ahead. “I think I’ll move back west.”
“Back to Vancouver?”
“Something like that.”
He let her unlock the door. “For Ryan?” She asked. It was said very softly, almost quiet enough to hide the trembling in her voice.
Colin didn’t answer. He looked to her, seeing understanding dawn in her eyes along with a healthy dose of pity. She knew, and yet she found the tact to not say it. Instead she began to undress, simultaneously pulling out her bedclothes.
“Luke could stay with you over the summer.”
It was generous offer all things considered. Colin shared a warm smile with his wife. “I’d like that.”
It was actually closer to an hour and a half before Ryan found Colin on deck, but Colin didn’t mind waiting. He enjoyed a little time to himself every now and again. There was a couple making out in the shadows when he’d first arrived, but he ignored them, and when it became obvious he wasn’t leaving any time soon, they picked up and hurried off in search of privacy.
Colin felt Ryan’s presence long before he joined him at the railing. Ryan ascended the steps and stood there for a few minutes. Colin knew it was him without turning around. He wasn’t sure how he knew; he’d stopped questioning those instincts years ago.
“This is our last night here,” Colin said suddenly. Ryan didn’t respond, and he didn’t come any closer. “Tomorrow evening we’ll be back in the states.” Going our separate ways, Colin added in his mind.
“We’ll see each other soon, though,” Ryan said. He finally came forward, sitting by Colin’s side and joining him in looking out over the silent water.
Colin nodded. In a few weeks they’d be together. Between then and now, however, his time would be consumed by divorce proceedings and finding a new home. He’d certainly need the tour, the play, to calm his nerves after all that.
“And... about that...” Ryan breathed in deeply. Colin looked to him out of the corner of his eye. Here it was, the words he knew he didn’t want to hear. “I think it’s time for a change.”
Colin blinked, chuckled. “Me divorcing Deb and moving to Washington isn’t enough of a change?”
“No, it’s not.” Ryan looked at him properly now, still with that undefinable gaze from earlier. “What’s happened here... I can’t forget it. I don’t want to. And I was thinking... maybe I don’t have to.”
Colin just stared at him uncomprehendingly. Out of all the scenarios that had flitted through his mind, this was not one of them. “I don’t think I understand.”
Suddenly Ryan was over him, leaning forward and invading Colin’s personal space in a way that had his blood singing. Ryan reached a hand out to steady himself and continued moving forward, pressing Colin back. The other hand curved around the nape of Colin’s neck, drawing him back up. “I want you,” Ryan whispered against his lips. And then he was kissing him, hot and wet and messy, and Colin was kissing him back with a fierceness he hadn’t realized he possessed.
Ryan’s hand left Colin for just a moment, and then it was over Colin’s heart, pushing him down with the slightest pressure until Colin was lying back on the cool deck. Ryan adjusted himself until he was straddling Colin’s hips, and throughout it all, he never left Colin’s lips.
It was absolutely amazing. They’d shared less than a handful of real kisses, but Ryan seemed to know exactly what Colin liked. Powerful but not intrusive. Ryan caught Colin’s lower lips between his own, lavishing it with attention, sucking it in gently before delving back into his mouth. And Colin would have liked to just forget everything and kiss Ryan for hours, but common sense halted on its detour to his crotch, coming to the forefront of his mind.
“Ryan,” he whispered, the name catching in his throat. His hands were on the other man’s shoulders, reluctantly pushing him away. “What are you doing?”
Ryan laughed, not quite willing to part from Colin’s mouth just yet. The sound caressed his lips delightfully. “I think that’s pretty obvious.”
“But...” Oh God, he had to get Ryan off him now or risk drowning in him. “I don’t think this is what you want to talk about...”
Ryan finally drew back, hovering just inches away from Colin’s face. “It is,” he said. He had an almost smile on his lips. “I don’t want to give you up. I can’t leave Pat, but... I can’t ignore this.”
“What are you saying?” Colin asked despite the fact that it was quite clear.
“I want this to continue after this vacation. You and me. And not just friends. I think...” He swallowed, tasting the words in his mind and weighing them before he’d allow himself to speak them aloud. “I want to have an affair with you.”
“Oh.”
Not the most eloquent of replies, but then Colin was still reeling from all the implications of that one sentence. He wanted to jump at the offer. He wanted to try this thing with Ryan and see where it took them, but at the same time Ryan had a family to consider and...
“I can’t let you.”
Ryan frowned. “I’m not leaving it up to you.”
Colin actually laughed. There was a cold, hard mass settling into his chest and it came out slightly hysterical. “You can’t make me have an affair with you.”
But when it came down to it, there was no way in Hell Colin was going to keep up this morally upright bullshit for long, and they both knew it. So it was that a smile curved Ryan’s lips as he stayed, still bent over Colin, inches from his mouth.
“Wanna bet?”
And it really was the worst idea Ryan had ever had, but Colin didn’t even try to stop him when Ryan kissed him again. Colin twined his arms around Ryan’s neck, dragging him down, needing to feel every inch of the other man against him, needing to get lost in his scent and the harsh whisper of his breath between kisses. If this kept up, it was going to go far beyond kissing, but Colin couldn’t make himself stop. He could feel the hardness of Ryan’s erection through his jeans pressed against his hip and arched up, sliding their stomachs together, groaning in response to the delicious hitch in Ryan’s breathing at the contact.
Suddenly Ryan tore himself away, leaving Colin blinking hazily up at him. Thoughtlessly he reached up to pull Ryan back down, but Ryan resisted with a smile. He kept Colin flat on the deck with one hand pressed down on his chest. The other moved to his zipper.
The quiet grate of metal teeth was strangely loud, even over the backdrop of waves thumping against the side of the ship. The sound alone had Colin heart beating erratically, more aroused than he could ever remember being, the situation made all the better by the fact that they were basically in public. At any moment someone could come up there and find them.
Ryan’s fingers were sliding into his jeans, beneath the elastic of his briefs to wrap around his erection. Colin sighed at the touch, closing his eyes briefly in bliss before opening them again to look into Ryan’s eyes black as night.
Ryan had pulled him free and was staring down at his erection, still smiling slightly as he stroked the length of it. It suddenly hit Colin that this was Ryan. He was about to have sex with Ryan, his best friend. For a moment even the pleasure of being touched was overwhelmed by the look on Ryan’s face, the absolute fascination, and Colin could tell Ryan was feeling it, too.
“It doesn’t seem real, does it?”
Colin didn’t even realize he’d spoken until Ryan looked up and answered, “No.” He smiled, wrapping his hand more firmly around Colin now and squeezing gently as he lowered himself to take Colin’s mouth again, swallowing his gasp.
From there it was a strange mix of instinct versus uncertainty. When it came down to the bare bones of the situation, sex was sex, but neither had been with a man before, and this was far too important to screw up.
Colin found that he’d never been so concerned with pleasing another person. As Ryan continued to stroke him, Colin just had to return the favor, bringing both of their abilities to concentrate down to nothing. That, however, just made it better. Colin couldn’t take his eyes off Ryan’s face, gauging his every reaction, laughing when he realized Ryan was doing the same. Time and again, Ryan leaned down to share broken, half finished kisses with him, his breath shuddering over Colin’s chin like a drug; the sight of his heavily lidded eyes and flushed cheeks were almost better than Ryan’s hand on him.
Colin came first, head smacking into the wood of the deck, laughing at the pain around harsh, wet breaths. It was all he could do to remember to finish off Ryan.
The entire time Ryan had stayed propped above him, but now he let himself drop, settling over Colin and looking more than ready to fall asleep on the spot. Colin wrapped his arms tight around him, feeling the tremors in his overworked arms. He breathed in deeply the scents of sex and sweat that mixed so perfectly with the salty air.
“That was amazing,” Colin said, almost to himself.
Ryan hummed his agreement. He stirred slightly, absently attempting to regain the strength to sit up when something stopped him. Colin turned his head to look at him, feeling Ryan’s body go tense.
“What’s wrong?”
But before the words had even fully formed, Colin heard it: a slow, steady clapping.
Shit.
In unison they bolted up, turning to face their audience. Colin could swear that his heart actually stopped.
Standing at the top of the steps, night gown swaying around her calves, was Deb. Her face was hidden in shadow, but her posture was clear, arms lifting to cross over her chest, head held high.
“I know I guessed,” she said, voice devoid of emotion, “but I just had to see it for myself.”
tbc
12/17/05
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