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Title: Rose Colored Glasses
Author: Clay
Pairing: Ryan/Colin
Rating: R
Summary: In my mind the summary should be something along the lines of “Everything changes,” but that says nothing about the physical plot of the story, which is more along the lines of “Ryan and Colin go on a cruise,” but that sounds really dumb, so take the two and mix them together and there’s my summary. :)
The next morning dawned annoyingly cheerful. In Colin’s mind vacations were all about sleeping in and walking around with no pants on, not being dragged out of bed at nine am to go to dance lessens he didn’t want and really, really wasn’t going to enjoy.
He went anyway.
They met Ryan and Pat just outside the classroom. Ryan was dressed in shorts which accented how stick thin his legs really were, but Colin didn’t notice. He was too busy contemplating how the sea foam t-shirt Rysn wore really brought out the blue in his eyes.
They were fascinating things, Ryan’s eyes; Colin had always loved them. Depending on the color he wore or even his mood at time, Ryan’s irises would shift from a deep forest green to a soft sea blue and every color in between. Colin often imagined that he could spend hours just watching them.
“Colin? Hello?”
Colin blinked. The other three were all staring at him amusedly.
“Hello,” he replied, sharing with them a little grin of his own.
They all burst out laughing. Colin smiled, vaguely wishing he knew what the joke was, but knowing it wasn’t really important. What was important was that Ryan was laughing. Making Ryan laugh was Colin’s greatest joy in life. More than anything in the world, he strived to make those eyes go squinty, crinkling adorably. He loved to hear the deep baritones of Ryan’s laugh, but he loved it even more when he got high pitched and out of breath from laughing too much. This wasn’t one of those times, but it was still wonderful.
“That’s my Colin,” Deb declared, scooping him into a sideways hug. “Off in his own little world.”
“From the way he was looking at Ryan,” Pat said, looping her arms through her husband’s, still chuckling, “I was starting to think that maybe they really did have plans to run off together.”
That had the women laughing anew, but Colin didn’t look up to see Ryan’s reaction. For some reason he hadn’t found it very funny, and he didn’t want to know if Ryan did.
The salsa, they learned, just minutes later in the poorly air conditioned dance studio, was a simple dance.
“Simply disastrous,” Ryan had whispered to Colin as they stood in a large group, listening to the teacher’s introduction. At the time Colin had laughed, but it turned out that Ryan wasn’t too far off. The salsa was a dance of passion, all dips and gyrations. Even had Colin not had such a bad back, he still didn’t think he’d get it. It just didn’t feel right.
He tried. He put one hand on Deb’s waist, the other on her shoulder, mimicking the moves as best he could, but no matter what it still came out jerky and stilted.
It wasn’t Deb’s fault. She flowed in time to the music, swaying to and fro, her heels clicking delightfully on the polished wooden floor. Colin followed her dutifully; he could do the moves just fine; he had always had a good memory for details, but the moves were not enough. The instructor sought them out, encouraged them time and time again, fretfully watching his jerky, puppet-like steps, cringing along with Deb when he once again trod on her foot.
Colin watched the other couples. They weren’t all fantastic, but not one was as poor as he. Then Colin’s eyes found Ryan. Ryan’s eyes were closed as he danced. He wasn’t the best in the studio, but he was damn good. His height usually lent him an awkward gait, but here on the dance floor there was no sign that he was anything but graceful. Maybe it was due to all those dance numbers he’d had to do on the Drew Carey Show; perhaps it was just some inert, latent talent finally shining through. Colin pictured him high up on a cliff, nothing but sheer rock face between him and the world around him, a majestic 36 point buck buffeted by the wind, drifting to the music of the trees.
“Now you’re getting it...”
It was the instructor’s voice that broke Colin from his trance. He finally looked away from Ryan to stare into his wife’s wide, smiling eyes. That sense of wrongness settled over him again and he stumbled, treading on her toes, earning a pained yelp.
“Well, you had it,” Deb grumbled, but the next moment she was all smiles again, never one to give up without a fight.
Once the horror of the dance lesson was finally through, they all retired to brunch. It went not unlike dinner the previous evening with the women all getting to know each other while the men sat in uncomfortable silence. This time, however, Ryan made a deliberate effort to seat himself next to Colin. He favored his friend with small touches throughout the meal. It was just the brush of his hand over Colin’s or the bump of their shoulders, but it was all Colin needed and he drank it in like wine.
The girls were dying to get in the pool, so after brunch they returned to their rooms to change. Then Colin dropped the bomb.
“I think I’m going to take a nap.”
Deb had been rifling through the closet, having taken it over the previous night, and was trying to chose between the three swimsuits she’d packed, but suddenly she stilled. He could see the tension in her shoulders as she slowly turned toward him, blue and pink spandex clutched in her fist.
“You’re going to take a nap?”
“Yes,” he replied, shrugging and stretching out on the bed. “I’m tired.”
Her heels clicked as she stalked across the room to face him, and all Colin could think was that she was better at this dance than he.
“You’re telling me that we’re out here in the middle of the ocean on a beautiful sunny day and you’re going to waste it – waste Ryan’s money – sleeping?” She frowned down at him, fists settled on her hips, suit still clutched in one hand.
“Yes.”
She stared at him a moment longer and then heaved an enormous sigh, flinging her arms up in exasperation. “Fine I give up Waste the only vacation you’re going to get this year sleeping. See if I care.”
She dressed as she lived, in a constant state of chatter. Colin couldn’t make out most of the words, though he did manage to catch “Why do I even bother?” and something that sounded suspiciously like “...better off without him....” When she finished dressing Colin was still watching her.
She looked fabulous. Even at her age Deb still had the small, perky breasts of her youth, and with only one child, her waist was still trim, tapering from her shoulders to bloom out over full hips that rounded out in a very fine ass. It was a barely clothed body that should have had Colin hard at the mere sight of it. But it didn’t.
Rather, he couldn’t wait to see her go.
And she did, albeit reluctantly despite her outraged ramblings. She stood in the doorway, a woven bag brimming with sun tan lotion and other amenities slung over one shoulder, watching him sadly.
There was a long moment of silence where they just stared at each other. It was as though Deb were trying to read his mind. She studied the calm face of her husband, his soft chocolate eyes so blank and unreadable.
“I wish you would join me,” Deb said in a way that would have been a plea if not for the demanding undertone.
Colin said nothing.
“We haven’t done anything together in so long. We’re both working so much... sometimes I think it’s deliberate. You’re avoiding me.”
Still, Colin said nothing, just watched her.
“I know you don’t want me here,” Deb continued, “I think you resent me sometimes, but I love you. We should be using this time to reacquaint ourselves. To fall in love again.”
“I don’t resent you,” Colin replied, softly, not willing to consider whether he meant the words.
Deb smiled sadly. “If you change your mind... and I truly hope you do, I’ll be at the pool.”
The next instant she was gone. The overhead lights of the hallway shone brightly for just a moment before the door swung shut with a nearly inaudible click.
Colin stared at the place where she had stood for a few minutes longer before turning to look at the ceiling. He hadn’t intended to actually sleep, but now he felt quite drained. He stared at the imperfections above him, his eyelids growing heavy as he contemplated her parting words.
”I know you don’t want me here,” she had said, and it was true... to a point. This week was meant for him and Ryan, and her presence did nothing but impede that. So no, he did not want her here, but he needed her.
Deb was his hold on the real world. She supported him, comforted him, made love to him and for that he was grateful. Then why did none of it matter when Ryan was near?
Sometimes when Ryan went away Colin felt as though he were drowning, but then Deb was there and everything would be okay. Colin supposed that he must love her, but lately she seemed little more than a substitute, a hold over until he could be with Ryan again, a constant IV of watered down ale when what he really needed was a strong, clean shot of Jack Daniels.
But the times that he was getting to see Ryan were growing fewer and farther between. The craving for a look, a touch, for anything of him was growing stronger with each passing year, but he had learned to do without. He could do it. He could survive, but not without Deb.
And he needed her here now. He was used to seeing Ryan at work on Whose Line or when he did the occasional spot on the Drew Carey show; they were always surrounded by people, a buffer to make sure he never got a pure hit of Ryan Styles. If Deb wasn’t here this week, if it were just he and Ryan for seven glorious days and six uninhibited nights, he doubted that any amount of Deb would ever be enough again.
But he was slowly coming to the realization that he didn’t care.
Wild fantasies flashed into his mind before popping like so many bubble tossed about on a summer breeze. He could leave Deb to move to Washington, and buy a house down the street from the Stiles home. They could have coffee and croissants every morning while they perused the newspaper and the children played in the yard. Inevitably, however, Pat would come into play, waltzing in to share a loving smile with her husband as she refreshed his coffee. In Colin’s mind’s eye he could see her, the perfect wife, her hips swishing beneath a simple white apron lined with lace, crossing the kitchen to drop a chaste kiss on her husband’s upturned lips.
And that was where the fantasy ended, because no matter what happened, things could never be the same again. Colin could destroy his life and those of his wife and son, but it wouldn’t be worth it. Ryan would never be his.
Colin never contemplated exactly what he meant when he considered the fact that he wanted Ryan all to himself. He had an inkling suspicion that his desires went beyond the platonic, but that was a scary thought and something he could never dwell on for long.
Perhaps if Ryan were the one to broach the subject...
But no, that would never happen. And so Colin needed Deb, if only to keep him sane until the moment he could be with Ryan again.
A soft knock on the door woke Colin some time later. He hadn’t even realized he’d fallen asleep, but the sun had drifted quite far west, casting long shadows around the room.
“Come in,” Colin called, wiping sleep from his eyes.
Ryan appeared in the doorway, a gentle smile playing about his full lips.
“Hey,” he said in greeting, moving a few steps forward to stand in the middle of the room, “we missed you out there.” A t-shirt clung to his damp skin, accenting the wiry frame. The dark curls of his hair shone in the dim light. An errant drop of water slid from his temple and over one tanned cheek, lazily marking a trail from hairline to jaw.
“I was tired,” Colin said simply, shrugging and pulling himself into a sitting position.
Ryan nodded. “I think Deb is worried about you.”
Colin was settling back against the cheap wooden headboard. “She’s always worried about me.”
Ryan had to frown at the nonchalance of his words. He crossed the remaining distance between them to perch on the bed at Colin’s feet. Instinctively one hand came out to rest on his shin. Colin thought distantly that the covers would be damp when Ryan stood.
“I think I’m worried about you, too,” Ryan said, meeting Colin’s eyes solemnly. “You’ve been... a little off ever since we got here.”
His concern was met with a humorless chuckle. “I’m always a little off.”
Ryan’s frown deepened, his gaze growing dark. He knew Colin had less than perfect self esteem, but this sounded like some far deeper issue. “You’re glad you came, aren’t you?”
“Yes,” Colin replied instantly and with complete honesty.
Ryan had to smile at that. “We should find some time to spend together, just the two of us.”
Colin nodded, but his face was drawn as he replied, “It doesn’t look like we’ll have the chance.”
“Yes we will,” Ryan told him. “I’ll make sure of it.”
As if by fate, their conversation was soon interrupted by the arrival of Pat and Deb. They were enthusiastic, refreshed by their dip in the pool. They separated the men then, as Deb was desperate for a shower and besides, it would be time to dress for dinner soon.
Now that Deb had returned, Colin decided to continue the task of reading. The heroine of his novel had just barely begun her journey, leaving behind the nearly unbearable depression that was her life and literally walking away toward the unknown. Colin found himself deeply immersed in her story. He did like his life, but he couldn’t deny the temptation to just up and leave everything at times. A good book did that for him. Just like improv it was food for the imagination, an adventure without having to leave the safety of the familiar.
It took Deb three tried before she could successfully pull him away.
“Colin. Colin... Colin, darling, come on. You need to get dressed now or we’ll be late.”
Colin blinked at her, still lost in his mind for a moment before her words registered, and he complied with a slight smile.
Dinner was a clone of the previous evening. Nestled between Pat and Deb, Colin picked at his salad. Ryan would spare him the occasional glance, but since they already knew the other couples at the table, the men were far more comfortable with each other than last night’s dinner. Ryan was right in there, regaling the others with joke and stories. Colin did his best to play along, but he had no desire to know these people. He listened to their stories, and was just left feeling like an outsider.
The other husbands were what Colin considered to be ‘men’s men,’ strong and callous, the type of men who hunted for fun, who watched football and got drunk on cheap beer and leered at strippers. They reminded him of Drew in a way. While Colin adored Drew, he knew that had they not been thrown together on Whose Line, he wasn’t the type of man Colin usually associated with, and had no desire to do so outside of work.
Ryan, of course, had no problem fitting in. It was part of his charm: his wide variety of likes and ability to adapt. So as Ryan made an actual effort to enjoy himself, Colin shut himself away. He even went so far as to close his eyes, taking himself away to a daydream. The images in his mind shifted and changed, refusing to stay on one scenario for very long, but that didn’t matter. He didn’t care where he was as long as he wasn’t here, separated from his best friend by the ocean that was Patricia McDonald.
A hand on his brought Colin back to the present. He opened his eyes, hoping to see Ryan, expecting it, but instead it was Deb’s angry gaze he was met with.
She leaned in close enough to whisper, “What are you doing? What is wrong with you?”
How was he supposed to answer that?
“I have to go to the bathroom.” It wasn’t an answer, but it was the best excuse he could come up with to get away from the accusing glare of his wife.
When Colin was washing his hands in one of the yacht’s pristine lavatories he heard the door open. At first he paid it no mind, but the newcomer didn’t go to one of the stalls or a urinal; he didn’t even join Colin at the sinks. His footfalls stopped just behind Colin. He was close. Colin could feel the heat of the man’s body through the thin material of his dress shirt.
Colin jerked his head up and met Ryan’s somber gaze in the mirror.
“You’re not okay,” was all Ryan said.
Colin couldn’t lie to him. “I’m not.”
There was the tiniest hint of satisfaction in Ryan’s eyes before it was overwhelmed by concern. He hesitated for a moment and then placed a hand on Colin’s shoulder, leaning in to whisper, “I have a plan.”
There was absolutely no reason for him to be whispering; they were alone in the bathroom; but it gave Colin a rush. It was a secret. Amusement, excitement danced deep in Ryan’s eyes and Colin could see the sentiment mirrored in his own.
“Right after dessert is served,” Ryan continued, “I’ll give you a signal and we’ll make a break for it.”
He waited just long enough to see Colin’s answering nod and then he was gone.
Back at the table, Colin was finally getting into the conversation, going out of his way to be pleasant and accommodating. Out of the corner of his eyes Colin could see Deb’s pleased smile, but he wasn’t doing it for her. If she wanted to believe that he was finally enjoying the sadistic game that was dinner, however, all the better for him.
Colin laughed and joked and drank his wine. It didn’t matter that he was counting down the seconds until he could get away. He was playing a role. He was playing the part of a man who didn’t care that his best friend was too far away to touch, a man who was confident and happy and who actually enjoyed the company of these rich American assholes. And he did it flawlessly.
But it still took far too much out of him.
By the time their plates were taken away and the waiter had finally copied down their dessert orders, Colin was nearly crazy with impatience. He refused to let it show, but to someone like Ryan it was impossible to hide. His friend could read it in his eyes. Ryan offered Colin a small, knowing smile and mouthed one word: “Soon.”
Colin just smiled in return and took another huge gulp of his wine.
It seemed to take hours for their waiter, a boy would could maybe pass for nineteen, to return bearing two trays absolutely laden with decadent sweets. He laid a thin porcelain plate with the darkest chocolate cake in front of Colin. Colin couldn’t remember ordering it, and considered the possibility that his character had ordered for him.
Everyone was digging into their own desserts now. To Colin’s left he could see Pat slicing off the tip of a berry covered cheesecake with the edge of her fork; to his right Deb cracked the delicate sugar shell of her crême bruleé. And Ryan... Ryan was sitting perfectly still, his own dessert untouched. He smiled at Colin, warm, mischievous and absolutely at ease. He winked, slow and easy, and his lips parted.
“Now, Col Run ”
Colin blinked and Ryan’s seat was empty. Colin blinked again and he was twenty feet away, suit jacket flapping behind him, Pat, Deb and the rest of their party staring after him in open mouthed shock. Before he could think Colin was up and chasing after him, dodging tables and nearly tripping over his own feet as he made a mad dash after his best friend toward freedom.
Ahead of him Ryan had just reached the dining room doors; he hit them at a run and held tight to the handle, using his momentum to swing to the right and continue down the hall and out of sight.
Seconds later Colin was at the doors. He paused just long enough to throw a look back at their table. The confusion was gone, and now both Pat and Deb stared after him with twin expressions of quickly growing anger. Pat was already on her feet, intent on following them, and then Deb was, too, but the door swung shut behind him and Colin ran.
Ryan was at the end of the corridor, waiting, watching as he bounced impatiently on the balls of his feet. “Come on ” he called as soon as Colin met his gaze.
Colin forced his legs to move faster. “They’re following us ” he called back.
Ryan laughed. “Then hurry the Hell up ”
And then they were on the deck of the ship, warm summer air whipping past their faces, tugging at their clothes. The stars shone bright and silent above them. Ryan was still laughing joyously as they wove through the thin night crowd.
“This was your ingenious plan?” Colin asked amidst gulps of air and his own giggles.
Ryan threw him a sideways glance, eyes sparkling. “It worked, didn’t it?”
But then their wives were calling them, distant, but not far enough away that they dared stop. Ryan grabbed Colin’s wrist and tugged them both around a corner. They were at the pool; the water shone black and calm, reflecting the night sky. Ryan was racing toward it.
He wouldn’t– Colin thought and dug his heels into the ground, yanking back on his hand. Ryan stumbled and then threw Colin a concerned look.
“Come on ” he insisted, pulling hard on Colin’s hand in and effort to get him moving again, but Colin stayed put, shaking his head.
“We’re not...” he started, eyes lock on the mass of black glass that was the surface of the pool.
“No,” Ryan agreed, “we’re not. Now come on Hurry ”
So Colin went. He’d never had any reason to doubt his friend, and he wasn’t about to start now. Ryan came to a halt just short of the pool. He placed both hands on Colin’s shoulders and pushed him down saying, “Under the chair.”
Colin complied without thought or hesitation. He ignored the fact that scooting along his belly over damp planks in an attempt to crawl under a plastic deck chair was not only insane but juvenile to boot and just did it. He’d probably crawl through broken glass if Ryan gave him a good enough reason.
It was a tight fit – very tight. Above him Ryan was lowering the chair’s back to make their impromptu hiding place a couple feet longer and then draping towels across it to pool on the deck and obscure them from sight. In another moment Ryan was joining him, folding his long legs and twisting them around Colin’s in an effort to fit in the very small space.
And none too soon. Colin opened his mouth, ready to ask just what in the Hell it was they were doing squished into this makeshift fort, but Ryan clapped a hand over his mouth before he’d even gotten one word out. And then he heard it: the distinctive click of high heels not twenty feet from where they lay.
“Ryan? Colin? Where are you? What’s going on?” That was Pat, and then Deb spoke up with, “Colin, darling, stop playing and come out.” The footsteps slowed, and Colin imagined the women looking out over the pool. This area of the ship was mostly open and they would have had to be running nearly twice as fast to disappear as they had.
Ryan’s heart was beating like crazy. Colin could feel it against his own chest. They were pressed tightly together; Ryan’s hand that wasn’t still over Colin’s mouth was around his back, holding them close enough to keep them both under the chair. They were twined together, legs threaded around each other in an oddly intimate position. Colin could just barely make out Ryan’s eyes, dull pinpoints in the darkness. He was breathing in rapid pants, his warm breath washing over Colin’s cheeks and forehead. Suddenly Colin thought he wouldn’t mind spending the night lying here wrapped around his best friend.
The footsteps were moving away now, the increasingly desperate calls of their wives growing fainter with each passing second. Colin realized vaguely that they were lying in a puddle. He could feel the cold chlorinated water soaking into the side of his three hundred dollar suit.
It was another minute before Colin was sure they were alone, but Ryan had yet to remove his hand or make any move to pull away. Colin smiled. On a whim he parted his lips ever so slightly and licked Ryan’s palm.
Ryan jerked back with a yelp and then laughed, punching Colin’s arm and pulling him back for an awkward hug. “Jerk,” Ryan said, still chuckling. Then he was moving back, giving them both room to breath.
Colin couldn’t help but laugh himself. The whole situation had him giddy, almost drunk with the absurdity of it all. “You’re nuts,” he whispered.
“That’s why you love me,” Ryan replied with a smirk.
Colin just smiled. “Yes, it is.”
They remained beneath the chair for another moment, neither speaking. Colin was too busy contemplating his own words. Of course he loved Ryan. It wasn’t a strange thing to say; they’d both told the other as much numerous times before, but something about this time felt different, though he couldn’t quite say how.
Suddenly Ryan kicked up, sending the chair toppling off them. A rush of air chilled Colin where the water had drenched his clothes. He felt himself shiver and they both climbed to their feet.
“We’ve got to keep moving,” Ryan said. “They’re gone now, but they’ll be back.”
“Where to, oh fearless leader?”
Ryan furrowed his brow, thinking. “Up,” he said at last. “Let’s get as high as we can.”
That ended up being three decks higher on a small balcony behind the control room. Ryan and Colin crept along, sneaking up staircases like children playing at being spies. It was incredibly stupid, Colin reflected as they finally made it to their destination, but incredibly fun. Something about being with Ryan made Colin not care about how childish he acted; he didn’t care about how they appeared to the other tourists. The odd and often disapproving looks they received didn’t bother him in the slightest. Maybe they were two grown men acting like five year olds, but they were doing it together.
Once they had made it to the balcony, the mood seemed to turn somber. They stood side by side, gazes turned out over the back of the ship. In the distance Colin could see the ripples trailing after them as the yacht cut through the water.
“Right now we should be in the ballroom dancing with Deb and Pat,” Colin said quietly. He didn’t know what prompted it. Maybe he was feeling guilty for abandoning them.
Ryan shrugged. “I hate dancing.”
“But you’re good at it.”
“Not that good.”
“Better than me.”
Ryan threw him a sidelong glance. There was the tiniest hint of a smile as he replied, “Maybe you just need the right partner.”
Colin turned to him, grinning in confusion. That morning he had been dancing with Deb; who would possibly be a better partner than her?
“Are you offering?”
It was said in jest and Ryan seemed to know that. He was grinning mischievously as he turned to face Colin, leaning sideways against the railing. Still, he was never one to back down from a challenge.
“Yeah. I am.”
If Colin thought their earlier game was stupid, then this was downright ludicrous, but with an odd, twisting feeling in the pit of his stomach, he realized that he wanted to dance with Ryan. Something about being so close to his best friend, hand in hand, cheek to cheek was suddenly undeniably appealing.
Ryan held out one hand in invitation, and Colin took it without hesitation. Silently he led them a few feet from the railing until they had plenty of room on all sides. Ryan maneuvered them into position, pulling Colin’s hand to sit at his waist while he placed his own on Colin’s shoulder.
And they danced.
It wasn’t anything fancy; more it was reminiscent of children dancing, shuffling around in small circles pressed tightly against your partner.
Colin felt his eyes slide shut, and he wrapped his arm tighter around Ryan’s waist, his hand settling at the small of Ryan’s back. He lay his head on Ryan’s shoulder, listening to the other man’s slow, steady breaths, calmed by the strong heartbeat he could feel beneath his cheek. He was reminded of the time they had danced once during a game of Greatest Hits years ago. He hadn’t let on at the time, but the simple invitation Ryan had made when he lay one hand on Colin’s shoulder had been very much appreciated, even if it was done solely for laughs. It had been a strange, calming moment in the otherwise hectic world that was Whose Line is it Anyway. They had continued to dance even after the buzzer had sounded, each eventually pulling away from the other with obvious reluctance.
Now, pressed so perfectly against his best friend, Colin felt that same sense of serenity wash over him. This was exactly the mood he’d hoped for when Ryan had invited him on this cruise. He’d nearly forgotten, what with all their antics and interference from their wives, but now, with one of Ryan’s large hands wrapped around his, the other sliding lightly over his shoulder blades, he finally felt at home.
“I’ve missed you,” Colin said quietly, muffled into Ryan’s neck.
Ryan untangled their hands to wind both arms around Colin’s back. Colin could feel the heat of his palms through his shirt. Up as high as they were, there was a substantial breeze. Even through his clothes were now mostly dry, Colin still felt chilled. Everywhere Ryan touched, however, he felt warm, safe, happy.
“I’ve missed you, too,” Ryan whispered. His breath tickled Colin’s ear, fluttering the fine hairs at his temple.
They weren’t even dancing anymore, just hugging, wrapped up in the joy of finally, finally getting to spend some time alone.
“Do you wish I hadn’t invited them?” Ryan asked suddenly.
“No, of course not,” Colin answered instantly. “They need a vacation just as much as we do.”
Ryan was quiet for a moment and then he squeezed Colin tight, saying, “I do.”
Surprised, Colin pulled back to look into his best friend’s face. He had thought Ryan was happy here with Pat. Ryan looked right back at him, a small, sad smiled playing about his lips, his green eyes black and large in the star light.
“Don’t get me wrong,” he said quietly, almost to himself, running two fingers down the side of Colin’s face, from temple to chin along his jaw, the way a lover would. He did it almost unconsciously and without comment. “It’s nice to be here with Pat and Deb. I can tell they’re really enjoying themselves, but this week was supposed to be about us. It’s already been two days and I feel like I’ve barely seen you.”
Just as unconsciously Colin leaned into the touch. He gave an almost inaudible sigh when Ryan pulled away to replace his hand on Colin’s hip, regaining the vaguest hint of a hug. To anyone watching, it would have all seemed rather romantic, but to the two men it was simply nature. After twenty five years they had grown comfortable enough with each other that hugging was no stranger than a smile or a handshake.
“Let’s spend tomorrow together,” Ryan continued. “Just us. Pat and Deb will understand.”
“Here you two are.”
Deb’s voice rang over the balcony, loud and harsh after the near whispers the men had been conversing in. Colin nearly jumped back in surprise, feeling oddly guilty at the sight of their wives approaching, but Ryan’s hands tightened at his waist, keeping him firmly in place.
Ryan turned to smile at their wives. “Hey, ladies.”
Pat chuckled, but Deb was watching them suspiciously. She looped both arms around Colin’s waist from behind, tugging him away from Ryan, and he let her.
“You gave us quite a scare,” she murmured into Colin’s shoulder blades.
“We just wanted some time alone to talk,” Ryan answered for Colin. Now that they were apart, he was opening his arms to Pat, pulling his wife into his side.
“We were supposed to go dancing tonight,” Pat said, looking up into her husband’s face. She sounded like a petulant child, pouting adorably.
“There’ll be plenty of time for that,” Ryan said. He smiled down at her before dropping a kiss on the end of her nose.
Pat smiled. She stood on tiptoe to pull him into a proper kiss, chaste but heartfelt. Colin felt a painful twist somewhere around the area of his heart, especially at the way Ryan’s eyes lit up at the sign of affection. Her small hands traveled up to toy with the lapels of his jacket, tugging him toward the stairs. “Why don’t you take me back to our room and make it up to me...”
Ryan chuckled low in his throat and let her lead the way. Just before they disappeared from view, he turned back to smile at Colin. “Tomorrow?” he asked.
Colin only nodded in response. There was a thick, cold lump in the base of his throat, constricting it so no words would come.
Once they were gone, Deb finally let Colin go. He could hear the frown in her voice as she said, “You’re all wet.”
“I was lying on the ground,” Colin replied. He was still watching the spot where Ryan had disappeared.
“Why were you doing that?”
Colin didn’t answer. He merely shrugged and started off for their room, sure that Deb would follow.
tbc
11/15/05
Author: Clay
Pairing: Ryan/Colin
Rating: R
Summary: In my mind the summary should be something along the lines of “Everything changes,” but that says nothing about the physical plot of the story, which is more along the lines of “Ryan and Colin go on a cruise,” but that sounds really dumb, so take the two and mix them together and there’s my summary. :)
The next morning dawned annoyingly cheerful. In Colin’s mind vacations were all about sleeping in and walking around with no pants on, not being dragged out of bed at nine am to go to dance lessens he didn’t want and really, really wasn’t going to enjoy.
He went anyway.
They met Ryan and Pat just outside the classroom. Ryan was dressed in shorts which accented how stick thin his legs really were, but Colin didn’t notice. He was too busy contemplating how the sea foam t-shirt Rysn wore really brought out the blue in his eyes.
They were fascinating things, Ryan’s eyes; Colin had always loved them. Depending on the color he wore or even his mood at time, Ryan’s irises would shift from a deep forest green to a soft sea blue and every color in between. Colin often imagined that he could spend hours just watching them.
“Colin? Hello?”
Colin blinked. The other three were all staring at him amusedly.
“Hello,” he replied, sharing with them a little grin of his own.
They all burst out laughing. Colin smiled, vaguely wishing he knew what the joke was, but knowing it wasn’t really important. What was important was that Ryan was laughing. Making Ryan laugh was Colin’s greatest joy in life. More than anything in the world, he strived to make those eyes go squinty, crinkling adorably. He loved to hear the deep baritones of Ryan’s laugh, but he loved it even more when he got high pitched and out of breath from laughing too much. This wasn’t one of those times, but it was still wonderful.
“That’s my Colin,” Deb declared, scooping him into a sideways hug. “Off in his own little world.”
“From the way he was looking at Ryan,” Pat said, looping her arms through her husband’s, still chuckling, “I was starting to think that maybe they really did have plans to run off together.”
That had the women laughing anew, but Colin didn’t look up to see Ryan’s reaction. For some reason he hadn’t found it very funny, and he didn’t want to know if Ryan did.
The salsa, they learned, just minutes later in the poorly air conditioned dance studio, was a simple dance.
“Simply disastrous,” Ryan had whispered to Colin as they stood in a large group, listening to the teacher’s introduction. At the time Colin had laughed, but it turned out that Ryan wasn’t too far off. The salsa was a dance of passion, all dips and gyrations. Even had Colin not had such a bad back, he still didn’t think he’d get it. It just didn’t feel right.
He tried. He put one hand on Deb’s waist, the other on her shoulder, mimicking the moves as best he could, but no matter what it still came out jerky and stilted.
It wasn’t Deb’s fault. She flowed in time to the music, swaying to and fro, her heels clicking delightfully on the polished wooden floor. Colin followed her dutifully; he could do the moves just fine; he had always had a good memory for details, but the moves were not enough. The instructor sought them out, encouraged them time and time again, fretfully watching his jerky, puppet-like steps, cringing along with Deb when he once again trod on her foot.
Colin watched the other couples. They weren’t all fantastic, but not one was as poor as he. Then Colin’s eyes found Ryan. Ryan’s eyes were closed as he danced. He wasn’t the best in the studio, but he was damn good. His height usually lent him an awkward gait, but here on the dance floor there was no sign that he was anything but graceful. Maybe it was due to all those dance numbers he’d had to do on the Drew Carey Show; perhaps it was just some inert, latent talent finally shining through. Colin pictured him high up on a cliff, nothing but sheer rock face between him and the world around him, a majestic 36 point buck buffeted by the wind, drifting to the music of the trees.
“Now you’re getting it...”
It was the instructor’s voice that broke Colin from his trance. He finally looked away from Ryan to stare into his wife’s wide, smiling eyes. That sense of wrongness settled over him again and he stumbled, treading on her toes, earning a pained yelp.
“Well, you had it,” Deb grumbled, but the next moment she was all smiles again, never one to give up without a fight.
Once the horror of the dance lesson was finally through, they all retired to brunch. It went not unlike dinner the previous evening with the women all getting to know each other while the men sat in uncomfortable silence. This time, however, Ryan made a deliberate effort to seat himself next to Colin. He favored his friend with small touches throughout the meal. It was just the brush of his hand over Colin’s or the bump of their shoulders, but it was all Colin needed and he drank it in like wine.
The girls were dying to get in the pool, so after brunch they returned to their rooms to change. Then Colin dropped the bomb.
“I think I’m going to take a nap.”
Deb had been rifling through the closet, having taken it over the previous night, and was trying to chose between the three swimsuits she’d packed, but suddenly she stilled. He could see the tension in her shoulders as she slowly turned toward him, blue and pink spandex clutched in her fist.
“You’re going to take a nap?”
“Yes,” he replied, shrugging and stretching out on the bed. “I’m tired.”
Her heels clicked as she stalked across the room to face him, and all Colin could think was that she was better at this dance than he.
“You’re telling me that we’re out here in the middle of the ocean on a beautiful sunny day and you’re going to waste it – waste Ryan’s money – sleeping?” She frowned down at him, fists settled on her hips, suit still clutched in one hand.
“Yes.”
She stared at him a moment longer and then heaved an enormous sigh, flinging her arms up in exasperation. “Fine I give up Waste the only vacation you’re going to get this year sleeping. See if I care.”
She dressed as she lived, in a constant state of chatter. Colin couldn’t make out most of the words, though he did manage to catch “Why do I even bother?” and something that sounded suspiciously like “...better off without him....” When she finished dressing Colin was still watching her.
She looked fabulous. Even at her age Deb still had the small, perky breasts of her youth, and with only one child, her waist was still trim, tapering from her shoulders to bloom out over full hips that rounded out in a very fine ass. It was a barely clothed body that should have had Colin hard at the mere sight of it. But it didn’t.
Rather, he couldn’t wait to see her go.
And she did, albeit reluctantly despite her outraged ramblings. She stood in the doorway, a woven bag brimming with sun tan lotion and other amenities slung over one shoulder, watching him sadly.
There was a long moment of silence where they just stared at each other. It was as though Deb were trying to read his mind. She studied the calm face of her husband, his soft chocolate eyes so blank and unreadable.
“I wish you would join me,” Deb said in a way that would have been a plea if not for the demanding undertone.
Colin said nothing.
“We haven’t done anything together in so long. We’re both working so much... sometimes I think it’s deliberate. You’re avoiding me.”
Still, Colin said nothing, just watched her.
“I know you don’t want me here,” Deb continued, “I think you resent me sometimes, but I love you. We should be using this time to reacquaint ourselves. To fall in love again.”
“I don’t resent you,” Colin replied, softly, not willing to consider whether he meant the words.
Deb smiled sadly. “If you change your mind... and I truly hope you do, I’ll be at the pool.”
The next instant she was gone. The overhead lights of the hallway shone brightly for just a moment before the door swung shut with a nearly inaudible click.
Colin stared at the place where she had stood for a few minutes longer before turning to look at the ceiling. He hadn’t intended to actually sleep, but now he felt quite drained. He stared at the imperfections above him, his eyelids growing heavy as he contemplated her parting words.
”I know you don’t want me here,” she had said, and it was true... to a point. This week was meant for him and Ryan, and her presence did nothing but impede that. So no, he did not want her here, but he needed her.
Deb was his hold on the real world. She supported him, comforted him, made love to him and for that he was grateful. Then why did none of it matter when Ryan was near?
Sometimes when Ryan went away Colin felt as though he were drowning, but then Deb was there and everything would be okay. Colin supposed that he must love her, but lately she seemed little more than a substitute, a hold over until he could be with Ryan again, a constant IV of watered down ale when what he really needed was a strong, clean shot of Jack Daniels.
But the times that he was getting to see Ryan were growing fewer and farther between. The craving for a look, a touch, for anything of him was growing stronger with each passing year, but he had learned to do without. He could do it. He could survive, but not without Deb.
And he needed her here now. He was used to seeing Ryan at work on Whose Line or when he did the occasional spot on the Drew Carey show; they were always surrounded by people, a buffer to make sure he never got a pure hit of Ryan Styles. If Deb wasn’t here this week, if it were just he and Ryan for seven glorious days and six uninhibited nights, he doubted that any amount of Deb would ever be enough again.
But he was slowly coming to the realization that he didn’t care.
Wild fantasies flashed into his mind before popping like so many bubble tossed about on a summer breeze. He could leave Deb to move to Washington, and buy a house down the street from the Stiles home. They could have coffee and croissants every morning while they perused the newspaper and the children played in the yard. Inevitably, however, Pat would come into play, waltzing in to share a loving smile with her husband as she refreshed his coffee. In Colin’s mind’s eye he could see her, the perfect wife, her hips swishing beneath a simple white apron lined with lace, crossing the kitchen to drop a chaste kiss on her husband’s upturned lips.
And that was where the fantasy ended, because no matter what happened, things could never be the same again. Colin could destroy his life and those of his wife and son, but it wouldn’t be worth it. Ryan would never be his.
Colin never contemplated exactly what he meant when he considered the fact that he wanted Ryan all to himself. He had an inkling suspicion that his desires went beyond the platonic, but that was a scary thought and something he could never dwell on for long.
Perhaps if Ryan were the one to broach the subject...
But no, that would never happen. And so Colin needed Deb, if only to keep him sane until the moment he could be with Ryan again.
A soft knock on the door woke Colin some time later. He hadn’t even realized he’d fallen asleep, but the sun had drifted quite far west, casting long shadows around the room.
“Come in,” Colin called, wiping sleep from his eyes.
Ryan appeared in the doorway, a gentle smile playing about his full lips.
“Hey,” he said in greeting, moving a few steps forward to stand in the middle of the room, “we missed you out there.” A t-shirt clung to his damp skin, accenting the wiry frame. The dark curls of his hair shone in the dim light. An errant drop of water slid from his temple and over one tanned cheek, lazily marking a trail from hairline to jaw.
“I was tired,” Colin said simply, shrugging and pulling himself into a sitting position.
Ryan nodded. “I think Deb is worried about you.”
Colin was settling back against the cheap wooden headboard. “She’s always worried about me.”
Ryan had to frown at the nonchalance of his words. He crossed the remaining distance between them to perch on the bed at Colin’s feet. Instinctively one hand came out to rest on his shin. Colin thought distantly that the covers would be damp when Ryan stood.
“I think I’m worried about you, too,” Ryan said, meeting Colin’s eyes solemnly. “You’ve been... a little off ever since we got here.”
His concern was met with a humorless chuckle. “I’m always a little off.”
Ryan’s frown deepened, his gaze growing dark. He knew Colin had less than perfect self esteem, but this sounded like some far deeper issue. “You’re glad you came, aren’t you?”
“Yes,” Colin replied instantly and with complete honesty.
Ryan had to smile at that. “We should find some time to spend together, just the two of us.”
Colin nodded, but his face was drawn as he replied, “It doesn’t look like we’ll have the chance.”
“Yes we will,” Ryan told him. “I’ll make sure of it.”
As if by fate, their conversation was soon interrupted by the arrival of Pat and Deb. They were enthusiastic, refreshed by their dip in the pool. They separated the men then, as Deb was desperate for a shower and besides, it would be time to dress for dinner soon.
Now that Deb had returned, Colin decided to continue the task of reading. The heroine of his novel had just barely begun her journey, leaving behind the nearly unbearable depression that was her life and literally walking away toward the unknown. Colin found himself deeply immersed in her story. He did like his life, but he couldn’t deny the temptation to just up and leave everything at times. A good book did that for him. Just like improv it was food for the imagination, an adventure without having to leave the safety of the familiar.
It took Deb three tried before she could successfully pull him away.
“Colin. Colin... Colin, darling, come on. You need to get dressed now or we’ll be late.”
Colin blinked at her, still lost in his mind for a moment before her words registered, and he complied with a slight smile.
Dinner was a clone of the previous evening. Nestled between Pat and Deb, Colin picked at his salad. Ryan would spare him the occasional glance, but since they already knew the other couples at the table, the men were far more comfortable with each other than last night’s dinner. Ryan was right in there, regaling the others with joke and stories. Colin did his best to play along, but he had no desire to know these people. He listened to their stories, and was just left feeling like an outsider.
The other husbands were what Colin considered to be ‘men’s men,’ strong and callous, the type of men who hunted for fun, who watched football and got drunk on cheap beer and leered at strippers. They reminded him of Drew in a way. While Colin adored Drew, he knew that had they not been thrown together on Whose Line, he wasn’t the type of man Colin usually associated with, and had no desire to do so outside of work.
Ryan, of course, had no problem fitting in. It was part of his charm: his wide variety of likes and ability to adapt. So as Ryan made an actual effort to enjoy himself, Colin shut himself away. He even went so far as to close his eyes, taking himself away to a daydream. The images in his mind shifted and changed, refusing to stay on one scenario for very long, but that didn’t matter. He didn’t care where he was as long as he wasn’t here, separated from his best friend by the ocean that was Patricia McDonald.
A hand on his brought Colin back to the present. He opened his eyes, hoping to see Ryan, expecting it, but instead it was Deb’s angry gaze he was met with.
She leaned in close enough to whisper, “What are you doing? What is wrong with you?”
How was he supposed to answer that?
“I have to go to the bathroom.” It wasn’t an answer, but it was the best excuse he could come up with to get away from the accusing glare of his wife.
When Colin was washing his hands in one of the yacht’s pristine lavatories he heard the door open. At first he paid it no mind, but the newcomer didn’t go to one of the stalls or a urinal; he didn’t even join Colin at the sinks. His footfalls stopped just behind Colin. He was close. Colin could feel the heat of the man’s body through the thin material of his dress shirt.
Colin jerked his head up and met Ryan’s somber gaze in the mirror.
“You’re not okay,” was all Ryan said.
Colin couldn’t lie to him. “I’m not.”
There was the tiniest hint of satisfaction in Ryan’s eyes before it was overwhelmed by concern. He hesitated for a moment and then placed a hand on Colin’s shoulder, leaning in to whisper, “I have a plan.”
There was absolutely no reason for him to be whispering; they were alone in the bathroom; but it gave Colin a rush. It was a secret. Amusement, excitement danced deep in Ryan’s eyes and Colin could see the sentiment mirrored in his own.
“Right after dessert is served,” Ryan continued, “I’ll give you a signal and we’ll make a break for it.”
He waited just long enough to see Colin’s answering nod and then he was gone.
Back at the table, Colin was finally getting into the conversation, going out of his way to be pleasant and accommodating. Out of the corner of his eyes Colin could see Deb’s pleased smile, but he wasn’t doing it for her. If she wanted to believe that he was finally enjoying the sadistic game that was dinner, however, all the better for him.
Colin laughed and joked and drank his wine. It didn’t matter that he was counting down the seconds until he could get away. He was playing a role. He was playing the part of a man who didn’t care that his best friend was too far away to touch, a man who was confident and happy and who actually enjoyed the company of these rich American assholes. And he did it flawlessly.
But it still took far too much out of him.
By the time their plates were taken away and the waiter had finally copied down their dessert orders, Colin was nearly crazy with impatience. He refused to let it show, but to someone like Ryan it was impossible to hide. His friend could read it in his eyes. Ryan offered Colin a small, knowing smile and mouthed one word: “Soon.”
Colin just smiled in return and took another huge gulp of his wine.
It seemed to take hours for their waiter, a boy would could maybe pass for nineteen, to return bearing two trays absolutely laden with decadent sweets. He laid a thin porcelain plate with the darkest chocolate cake in front of Colin. Colin couldn’t remember ordering it, and considered the possibility that his character had ordered for him.
Everyone was digging into their own desserts now. To Colin’s left he could see Pat slicing off the tip of a berry covered cheesecake with the edge of her fork; to his right Deb cracked the delicate sugar shell of her crême bruleé. And Ryan... Ryan was sitting perfectly still, his own dessert untouched. He smiled at Colin, warm, mischievous and absolutely at ease. He winked, slow and easy, and his lips parted.
“Now, Col Run ”
Colin blinked and Ryan’s seat was empty. Colin blinked again and he was twenty feet away, suit jacket flapping behind him, Pat, Deb and the rest of their party staring after him in open mouthed shock. Before he could think Colin was up and chasing after him, dodging tables and nearly tripping over his own feet as he made a mad dash after his best friend toward freedom.
Ahead of him Ryan had just reached the dining room doors; he hit them at a run and held tight to the handle, using his momentum to swing to the right and continue down the hall and out of sight.
Seconds later Colin was at the doors. He paused just long enough to throw a look back at their table. The confusion was gone, and now both Pat and Deb stared after him with twin expressions of quickly growing anger. Pat was already on her feet, intent on following them, and then Deb was, too, but the door swung shut behind him and Colin ran.
Ryan was at the end of the corridor, waiting, watching as he bounced impatiently on the balls of his feet. “Come on ” he called as soon as Colin met his gaze.
Colin forced his legs to move faster. “They’re following us ” he called back.
Ryan laughed. “Then hurry the Hell up ”
And then they were on the deck of the ship, warm summer air whipping past their faces, tugging at their clothes. The stars shone bright and silent above them. Ryan was still laughing joyously as they wove through the thin night crowd.
“This was your ingenious plan?” Colin asked amidst gulps of air and his own giggles.
Ryan threw him a sideways glance, eyes sparkling. “It worked, didn’t it?”
But then their wives were calling them, distant, but not far enough away that they dared stop. Ryan grabbed Colin’s wrist and tugged them both around a corner. They were at the pool; the water shone black and calm, reflecting the night sky. Ryan was racing toward it.
He wouldn’t– Colin thought and dug his heels into the ground, yanking back on his hand. Ryan stumbled and then threw Colin a concerned look.
“Come on ” he insisted, pulling hard on Colin’s hand in and effort to get him moving again, but Colin stayed put, shaking his head.
“We’re not...” he started, eyes lock on the mass of black glass that was the surface of the pool.
“No,” Ryan agreed, “we’re not. Now come on Hurry ”
So Colin went. He’d never had any reason to doubt his friend, and he wasn’t about to start now. Ryan came to a halt just short of the pool. He placed both hands on Colin’s shoulders and pushed him down saying, “Under the chair.”
Colin complied without thought or hesitation. He ignored the fact that scooting along his belly over damp planks in an attempt to crawl under a plastic deck chair was not only insane but juvenile to boot and just did it. He’d probably crawl through broken glass if Ryan gave him a good enough reason.
It was a tight fit – very tight. Above him Ryan was lowering the chair’s back to make their impromptu hiding place a couple feet longer and then draping towels across it to pool on the deck and obscure them from sight. In another moment Ryan was joining him, folding his long legs and twisting them around Colin’s in an effort to fit in the very small space.
And none too soon. Colin opened his mouth, ready to ask just what in the Hell it was they were doing squished into this makeshift fort, but Ryan clapped a hand over his mouth before he’d even gotten one word out. And then he heard it: the distinctive click of high heels not twenty feet from where they lay.
“Ryan? Colin? Where are you? What’s going on?” That was Pat, and then Deb spoke up with, “Colin, darling, stop playing and come out.” The footsteps slowed, and Colin imagined the women looking out over the pool. This area of the ship was mostly open and they would have had to be running nearly twice as fast to disappear as they had.
Ryan’s heart was beating like crazy. Colin could feel it against his own chest. They were pressed tightly together; Ryan’s hand that wasn’t still over Colin’s mouth was around his back, holding them close enough to keep them both under the chair. They were twined together, legs threaded around each other in an oddly intimate position. Colin could just barely make out Ryan’s eyes, dull pinpoints in the darkness. He was breathing in rapid pants, his warm breath washing over Colin’s cheeks and forehead. Suddenly Colin thought he wouldn’t mind spending the night lying here wrapped around his best friend.
The footsteps were moving away now, the increasingly desperate calls of their wives growing fainter with each passing second. Colin realized vaguely that they were lying in a puddle. He could feel the cold chlorinated water soaking into the side of his three hundred dollar suit.
It was another minute before Colin was sure they were alone, but Ryan had yet to remove his hand or make any move to pull away. Colin smiled. On a whim he parted his lips ever so slightly and licked Ryan’s palm.
Ryan jerked back with a yelp and then laughed, punching Colin’s arm and pulling him back for an awkward hug. “Jerk,” Ryan said, still chuckling. Then he was moving back, giving them both room to breath.
Colin couldn’t help but laugh himself. The whole situation had him giddy, almost drunk with the absurdity of it all. “You’re nuts,” he whispered.
“That’s why you love me,” Ryan replied with a smirk.
Colin just smiled. “Yes, it is.”
They remained beneath the chair for another moment, neither speaking. Colin was too busy contemplating his own words. Of course he loved Ryan. It wasn’t a strange thing to say; they’d both told the other as much numerous times before, but something about this time felt different, though he couldn’t quite say how.
Suddenly Ryan kicked up, sending the chair toppling off them. A rush of air chilled Colin where the water had drenched his clothes. He felt himself shiver and they both climbed to their feet.
“We’ve got to keep moving,” Ryan said. “They’re gone now, but they’ll be back.”
“Where to, oh fearless leader?”
Ryan furrowed his brow, thinking. “Up,” he said at last. “Let’s get as high as we can.”
That ended up being three decks higher on a small balcony behind the control room. Ryan and Colin crept along, sneaking up staircases like children playing at being spies. It was incredibly stupid, Colin reflected as they finally made it to their destination, but incredibly fun. Something about being with Ryan made Colin not care about how childish he acted; he didn’t care about how they appeared to the other tourists. The odd and often disapproving looks they received didn’t bother him in the slightest. Maybe they were two grown men acting like five year olds, but they were doing it together.
Once they had made it to the balcony, the mood seemed to turn somber. They stood side by side, gazes turned out over the back of the ship. In the distance Colin could see the ripples trailing after them as the yacht cut through the water.
“Right now we should be in the ballroom dancing with Deb and Pat,” Colin said quietly. He didn’t know what prompted it. Maybe he was feeling guilty for abandoning them.
Ryan shrugged. “I hate dancing.”
“But you’re good at it.”
“Not that good.”
“Better than me.”
Ryan threw him a sidelong glance. There was the tiniest hint of a smile as he replied, “Maybe you just need the right partner.”
Colin turned to him, grinning in confusion. That morning he had been dancing with Deb; who would possibly be a better partner than her?
“Are you offering?”
It was said in jest and Ryan seemed to know that. He was grinning mischievously as he turned to face Colin, leaning sideways against the railing. Still, he was never one to back down from a challenge.
“Yeah. I am.”
If Colin thought their earlier game was stupid, then this was downright ludicrous, but with an odd, twisting feeling in the pit of his stomach, he realized that he wanted to dance with Ryan. Something about being so close to his best friend, hand in hand, cheek to cheek was suddenly undeniably appealing.
Ryan held out one hand in invitation, and Colin took it without hesitation. Silently he led them a few feet from the railing until they had plenty of room on all sides. Ryan maneuvered them into position, pulling Colin’s hand to sit at his waist while he placed his own on Colin’s shoulder.
And they danced.
It wasn’t anything fancy; more it was reminiscent of children dancing, shuffling around in small circles pressed tightly against your partner.
Colin felt his eyes slide shut, and he wrapped his arm tighter around Ryan’s waist, his hand settling at the small of Ryan’s back. He lay his head on Ryan’s shoulder, listening to the other man’s slow, steady breaths, calmed by the strong heartbeat he could feel beneath his cheek. He was reminded of the time they had danced once during a game of Greatest Hits years ago. He hadn’t let on at the time, but the simple invitation Ryan had made when he lay one hand on Colin’s shoulder had been very much appreciated, even if it was done solely for laughs. It had been a strange, calming moment in the otherwise hectic world that was Whose Line is it Anyway. They had continued to dance even after the buzzer had sounded, each eventually pulling away from the other with obvious reluctance.
Now, pressed so perfectly against his best friend, Colin felt that same sense of serenity wash over him. This was exactly the mood he’d hoped for when Ryan had invited him on this cruise. He’d nearly forgotten, what with all their antics and interference from their wives, but now, with one of Ryan’s large hands wrapped around his, the other sliding lightly over his shoulder blades, he finally felt at home.
“I’ve missed you,” Colin said quietly, muffled into Ryan’s neck.
Ryan untangled their hands to wind both arms around Colin’s back. Colin could feel the heat of his palms through his shirt. Up as high as they were, there was a substantial breeze. Even through his clothes were now mostly dry, Colin still felt chilled. Everywhere Ryan touched, however, he felt warm, safe, happy.
“I’ve missed you, too,” Ryan whispered. His breath tickled Colin’s ear, fluttering the fine hairs at his temple.
They weren’t even dancing anymore, just hugging, wrapped up in the joy of finally, finally getting to spend some time alone.
“Do you wish I hadn’t invited them?” Ryan asked suddenly.
“No, of course not,” Colin answered instantly. “They need a vacation just as much as we do.”
Ryan was quiet for a moment and then he squeezed Colin tight, saying, “I do.”
Surprised, Colin pulled back to look into his best friend’s face. He had thought Ryan was happy here with Pat. Ryan looked right back at him, a small, sad smiled playing about his lips, his green eyes black and large in the star light.
“Don’t get me wrong,” he said quietly, almost to himself, running two fingers down the side of Colin’s face, from temple to chin along his jaw, the way a lover would. He did it almost unconsciously and without comment. “It’s nice to be here with Pat and Deb. I can tell they’re really enjoying themselves, but this week was supposed to be about us. It’s already been two days and I feel like I’ve barely seen you.”
Just as unconsciously Colin leaned into the touch. He gave an almost inaudible sigh when Ryan pulled away to replace his hand on Colin’s hip, regaining the vaguest hint of a hug. To anyone watching, it would have all seemed rather romantic, but to the two men it was simply nature. After twenty five years they had grown comfortable enough with each other that hugging was no stranger than a smile or a handshake.
“Let’s spend tomorrow together,” Ryan continued. “Just us. Pat and Deb will understand.”
“Here you two are.”
Deb’s voice rang over the balcony, loud and harsh after the near whispers the men had been conversing in. Colin nearly jumped back in surprise, feeling oddly guilty at the sight of their wives approaching, but Ryan’s hands tightened at his waist, keeping him firmly in place.
Ryan turned to smile at their wives. “Hey, ladies.”
Pat chuckled, but Deb was watching them suspiciously. She looped both arms around Colin’s waist from behind, tugging him away from Ryan, and he let her.
“You gave us quite a scare,” she murmured into Colin’s shoulder blades.
“We just wanted some time alone to talk,” Ryan answered for Colin. Now that they were apart, he was opening his arms to Pat, pulling his wife into his side.
“We were supposed to go dancing tonight,” Pat said, looking up into her husband’s face. She sounded like a petulant child, pouting adorably.
“There’ll be plenty of time for that,” Ryan said. He smiled down at her before dropping a kiss on the end of her nose.
Pat smiled. She stood on tiptoe to pull him into a proper kiss, chaste but heartfelt. Colin felt a painful twist somewhere around the area of his heart, especially at the way Ryan’s eyes lit up at the sign of affection. Her small hands traveled up to toy with the lapels of his jacket, tugging him toward the stairs. “Why don’t you take me back to our room and make it up to me...”
Ryan chuckled low in his throat and let her lead the way. Just before they disappeared from view, he turned back to smile at Colin. “Tomorrow?” he asked.
Colin only nodded in response. There was a thick, cold lump in the base of his throat, constricting it so no words would come.
Once they were gone, Deb finally let Colin go. He could hear the frown in her voice as she said, “You’re all wet.”
“I was lying on the ground,” Colin replied. He was still watching the spot where Ryan had disappeared.
“Why were you doing that?”
Colin didn’t answer. He merely shrugged and started off for their room, sure that Deb would follow.
tbc
11/15/05
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